"In auto-parts, you're either growing, or you're dying, there ain't no third direction."

The same is true of the Big Ten.

A great look at potential Big Ten expansion by SI.com's Stew Mandel.

Very quietly...

Go Scarlet Knights.

Rock that St. Petersburg Bowl.

ANOTHER heartwarming tale!

We'll file this under, 'NOT SURPRISED'.

On a related note, here's some more USC mud-slinging. Wanna boost up your US News & World Report national rankings? It's easy. Just lie.

A heartwarming tale...

Of a bunch of shitheads that just got their doors blown off trying to get it back together.

Tim Tebow is a virgin.

As you were.

"The yo-yo's back!"

"These ain't yo grandma's eggs!"

Level 6 Pandemic Effect?

That's not Level 6 either...

Gleaming the cube?

Not Level 6 either...

Level 6?

Nope...

Often imitated...

Not Level 6...

ESS-EEE-SEEE!!

Best football.

Most STD's.

Check it.

STRAIGHT OUTTA LO-CASH!!

Here's the deal, the jackass Boise State player that decided to taunt 10 seconds after the game was over probably deserved to get cracked. You are flat-out asking for it.

That's where the excuses end.

First off, why isn't anyone pointing out that this tough guy, LeGarrette Blount, throws a punch and then runs backwards 25 feet while talking trash? That's like flipping someone off while riding a unicycle.

By the way, excellent punch. Good form. Good connection. Well placed.

Secondly, Mr. Blount was WEARING HIS HELMET while being a badass.

And then punching your own teammates? What's that garbage?

And then trying to pull a Ron Artest?

And then you're still acting like a maniac while players, coaches AND police officers are restraining you? Game over pal.

Nice stats, five carries, minus eight yards. Strong. Not only is that all he got for the game. That's all he got for THE SEASON.

Nice knownin' ya...

Why not?

Steve Bellisari atones for an abomination of a performance in Los Angeles.

I was at this game.

On the track.

Worst seats of all time.

A little Tupac for your Sunday evening...

THAT'S THE WAY TO START A FOOTBALL SEASON!

Ohio State's own AJ Trapasso with the TD on the fake punt for the Tennessee Titans in Canton.

NICE!

SOUTHERN CAL TRIVIA

Here's a gem.

Everyone knows that the only teams that the Trojans seem to lose to are PAC-10 also rans. It is an odd phenomenon. Oregon State, Oregon, Stanford, Cal, these are the teams keeping Southern Cal from winning the national title every single year.

When was the last time Southern Cal lost to a team from another conference?

That's easy. Vince Young and the Longhorns punked fruity Matt Leinart and slimy Reggie Bush in their own backyard in one of the greatest games in the recent history of college football. That was at the end of the 2005 season.

So other than that epic conclusion, when was the last time that the Trojans dropped a game to a non-PAC-10 team that wasn't a national title game?

If you know the answer to this off the top of your head, slowly back away from the computer and go get yourself, a life. Pete Carroll and Phil Steele are the only two guys that should have that kind of recall in this particular instance.

The answer?



I'm going to make you wait.

As you probably know, the PAC-10 has gone to a schedule where every team in the conference plays every other team in the conference. With a 12-game regular season, and an annual beat down of Notre Dame on the slate, that leaves only two non-conference games every year. To USC's credit, they rarely schedule patsies.

SI.com's Stewart Mandel recently had this to say about Southern Cal's schedule:

"While I have no quantitative data to back this up, you'd be hard-pressed to find a school with a more consistently tough out-of-conference schedule than USC (which makes its string of seven straight 11-win seasons that much more impressive). In addition to its annual series with Notre Dame, the Trojans have had home-and-homes since 2000 with Ohio State, Auburn, Arkansas, Nebraska, Colorado, Kansas State, BYU and Hawaii as well as neutral-site games with Penn State and Virginia Tech. During that time, they have played 73 percent of their nonconference games against BCS-conference foes and Notre Dame. The national average last year among BCS-conference schools was 36 percent."

Even with the toughest non-conference schedule in the nation since the turn of the century, the Trojans have managed to win almost every single one of those games. That really puts in perspective the dominance. And makes the losses more startling.

The only genuine lightweight I could find on their non-conference schedule as of late was Idaho in 2007. Sadly, the Vandals managed to keep the game closer than the Buckeyes did falling 38-10. Don't fret though true believers, the Buckeyes are in good company. Mighty Arkansas lost 70-17 in 2005 and 50-14 in 2006. Virginia went down 52-7 last year. Southern Cal dropped a half a hundred plus on the Rainbow Warriors of Hawai'i in both 2003 and 2005.

One interesting footnote to this impressive streak, the SEC. For all their bloviation, bluster and national titles, the SEC hasn't given Southern Cal any fits whatsoever. There were the aforementioned blowouts of Arkansas and there were also two wins over Auburn. The Trojans pasted the Tigers in 2003 23-0. The year prior, USC had won 24-17.

Coincidentally, 2002 brings us the answer to the trivia question. That's right, you have to go back to 2002 to find a non-conference loss in a game that wasn't for the national title. Six years in a row, Southern Cal has won every single non-conference game by an average margin of 30 points. THIRTY POINTS.

I would have probably named at least 50 teams before I came up with this one. The last non-PAC-10, non-Texas team to vanquish the University of Southern California?

Wait for it...

Kansas State.

The final score was 27-20. Hell of a game actually. Wish I could remember it. I blame whippets.

That Kanasas State team featured both Terrence Newman on defense and Darren Sproles on offense. The Wildcats went up 10-0 in the second quarter and then the Trojans scored on a fumble recovery from the KSU three yard line. Kansas State quickly regained the moment. The USC PAT was blocked and Newman took it the distance to put KSU up 12-6 going into the half. Two more TD's from the Wildcats in the second half before USC mounted a furious comeback with two TD's in the last ten mins.

So there you have it. Almost seven years ago Southern Cal could be had. Not so much since then if you're not a PAC-10 or coached by Mack Brown.

Does Ohio State have a chance?

Sure.

Is it slim?

Yes.

Kenny Fucking Powers

Tebow? Still?

Here's what's really, really disheartening.

It's July 1st. There will not be any meaningful discussion of college football for two full months. Nothing that has any major effect on the upcoming season will happen until September.

And yet there are some initial feelings of dread swimming in my head when I think about the 2009 season. You know why!

You're telling me that fucker is still playing football for Florida?

Stewart Mandel from SI.com released his first college football mailbag of the year today. I got to the third sentence in his first response before I was turned off.

With that favorable schedule, will anybody beat Florida?
-- @akosnitzky

Nobody's unbeatable in college football anymore; but on paper, these Gators have as good a shot at running the table as any team in the last four years. Heading into the season, Florida reminds me very much of USC's 2005 squad (minus the "greatest team of all-time" nonsense) -- a defending BCS champ returning its Heisman-winning quarterback and a boatload of other stars, playing a schedule that, as of now, seems inordinately favorable (no Alabama or Ole Miss in conference play; Charleston Southern, Troy and FIU in nonconference).

If anything, Florida is probably better suited to repeat than were those Trojans because the Gators' strength is their defense.


I don't know if I can take another year of the media fellatio.

And let's stop right there for a moment. This clown is setup perfectly for a massive fall from grace. He's a great football player. He's a team guy. A Heisman, two national titles. Oh, and he does a lot of good deeds.

I don't blame the guy for sticking around Florida for another year. In the NFL he'll mostly ride the bench, I'm guessing. Some team may try to run heavy with the 'Wildcat' but that won't work. Tebow's lack of speed will be a major problem in the pro's. And his size will be somewhat negated too. Everyone is bigger and faster in the NFL. There will not be nearly as much separation from a size and talent perspective as compared to the opponent. He has a pretty good arm but I don't think it's going to be good enough.

So at least we've got that to look forward to at least.

"Tebow potentially failing in the NFL" is not what I want to look forward to when I think about the 2009 college football season.

Back to the point though, passing on the NFL is one thing. Imagine what it's like to be Tim Tebow in Gainesville right now? He's taking BMOC status to another level.

Is there any chance whatsoever that my dreams will come true and Tebow will knock up some filthy whore?

Frankly, I'd settle for 'morally lenient' as opposed to filthy whore.

Whatever.

All I know is the season is months away and I'm already sick of Tebow. Hopefully the incredibly short attention span of the nation will kick in and they'll grow tired of Tebow being good. Hopefully he has crested and the minor criticisms will start. We'll see.

I am just hoping that this asshole doesn't ruin the whole season. Again.

July 1st? Too early?

So it's just about time to get it in gear.


We'll start with this for the time being. It's collegefootballnews.com doing what they do best, discussing college football in a relative and interesting manner.

One of the latest offseason round table discussions is the provocatively named "Why Does the Big Ten Stink?"

Some great stuff out of the gate from College Football News' publisher Pete Fiutak:

A: You mean besides billing itself as a collection of eleven of the world's elite institutes of higher learning while being named the Big Ten?

Is the Big Ten as good as the SEC? No. No one is. But the conference, outside of Ohio State, has had its moments against the big bad boy on the block with Michigan and Penn State winning New Year's Day games over the SEC a few years ago and Iowa beating up South Carolina last year. Wisconsin has always played the SEC tough and Michigan State wasn't horrible in last year's Capital One Bowl loss to a superior Georgia team.

The problem is that the league hasn't come through on the biggest stages, with issue one being the constant waterboarding provided by a USC program that, when fully focused, is the best in America and would beat 110 other teams in the Rose Bowl by three touchdowns, would beat six of the top teams by double digits, and would be in a battle to the final gun against the other three, whichever they might be, and would probably win two of those games. You can't dog an entire conference because it has problems with USC.

The Big 12 was a better league than the Big Ten last year, but that's relatively new and that's mostly because Texas and Oklahoma have been killers. So, at worst, the Big Ten is probably the third best league in college football. However, because of all the attention, and because of the TV time slots, helped by being in the middle of the country and by getting the first games on ESPN on a weekly basis, many believe the Big Ten should be better.

While USC is the big problem, the other issue in the conference's national perception is Ohio State, who gets obliterated by fans and media because it can't beat the best of the best teams in America over the last few years. But again, you can't rip on a team or a conference because they can't beat USC, and there shouldn't be too much ripping on a team or a league because of losses to the elite.

I've used this fun stat before, and I'm going to throw it out there again because it's so interesting when it comes to these debates. Look who Ohio State has lost to over the last four years.

- 2008: USC (Rose Bowl champion), Penn State (Big Ten champion, Rose Bowl bound), Texas (arguably the best team in America, lost in the Fiesta Bowl).
- 2007: Illinois (Rose Bowl bound), LSU (the national championship).
- 2006: Florida (the national championship).
- 2005: Texas (the eventual national champion), Penn State (Big Ten champion, Orange Bowl champion).

The Buckeyes have lost eight games in four years, all to BCS teams including three national champions.

Offseason musical interlude...

Title Town or Loserville? You decide.

While in line at Chipotle yesterday I stumbled upon this gem.

Nice brand-new, leather Steelers jacket you colossal asshole.

If North Korea ever decides to nuke the shit out of the United States, the only thing left will be Steelers gear, which is utterly unavoidable.

Go Cards.

Speaking of the BCS...

Some good stuff from my former Sycamore Public Library co-worker and current SI.com contributor Stewart Mandel.

There is no doubt whatsoever that college football has the haziest post season of any sport in America. It's also got the best regular season and whoever's second on that list (I would say most likely the NFL), is barely within sight of the college pigskin.

Sure, you can debate the relative merits of Florida, Texas and Southern Cal. All those teams had one thing in common, ONE loss. Of course, there's Utah also which had nary a blemish on their record.

Now contrast that with the Arizona Cardinals. They were bested SEVEN times over a 16 game schedule. That's barely above .500. As you are well aware I'm sure, the Cards have a shot at winning the whole enchilada next week in Tampa. Imagine 7-6 Minnesota playing for the national title?

And of course, you can go back to last year as well. From Mandel:

Much the same thing occurred last year when the New England Patriots beat the New York Giants in the regular-season finale to become the first team in history to finish 16-0. In the end, though, all that mattered was the Giants -- a 10-6 wild-card team -- beating the Patriots in a February rematch.

The instant you add teams to the current two-team, BCS playoff system, you inherently devalue the regular season. There is just no way around that one.

Yes, there are many problems with the current incarnation of the BCS. There is no denying that playoffs are incredibly entertaining, as is evidenced most clearly by the NCAA basketball rendition. Always remember that there is a cost associated with those exilerating tournaments, the value of the regular season.

Thanks but no thanks...

As if we didn't have enough problems to keep our government busy.

We are a nation at war on two fronts. Our economy is in the toilet. Our educational system is not at an acceptable level of competency. People are being laid off by the tens of thousands. Homes are being reclaimed by banks in record numbers. Our border to the south is a sieve.

Clearly this is the time for congress to tackle the issue of the day, the Bowl Championship Series.

HUH?

Well, that's exactly what a couple of idiots have done, yet again. From espn.com:

WASHINGTON -- A handful of lawmakers used a resolution commending the University of Florida's national football championship Thursday to protest college football's much-maligned BCS system.

A dozen House members voted "no" or "present" on the resolution, the latest signal from the nation's capital that many people aren't happy about the way the NCAA chooses its football champion. Many of the dissenters were from Utah and Texas, both of which have schools that made a case to play for this year's national championship but were passed over.

"A fine school with a great team deserves better than a national championship that was decided inside somebody's computer," said Rep. Joe Barton, a Texas Republican who has introduced legislation to force a playoff system. "The Gators certainly could have won it on the field, but they didn't get the chance any more than Utah, Texas and USC."

Blah, blah, blah. Fix something you assholes instead of mouthing off about ancillary bullshit.

When are these guys going to learn that we don't need the government trying to sort out pro or college sports? You have bigger fish to fry then steroids, or the NFL Network, or how college football crowns its champ.

Here's the other thing that's ridiculous. ALL of these schools that are supposedly "getting screwed" have agreed to this plan!! And Texas got hosed not by the BCS, but by ITS OWN CONFERENCE!!

By the way, was Texas bitching a few years ago when they won the BCS title? No, didn't hear any complaining then about how outrageous this system is did we? Boy, that's convenient isn't it?

I suppose it will come as a shock to know one that we have some major league hypocrites running this country. On a related note, Alaska and Hawai'i are now states in the union.

Feel free to contact Congressman Joe Barton here and let him know he can go ahead and stop wasting the tax payers time with this garbage. He can be reached via the following:

http://joebarton.house.gov/ContactJoe.aspx?Type=Contact

Blame it on the mines

The day of the BCS national title game I heard ABC's Brent Musberger say, "You used to be able to get a lot of high school football talent out of Pennsylvania and Ohio. Since the mines closed though I don't think that's the case anymore."

Yes! Now we have a reasonable excuse for lousy Midwest college football! No more mines!

Quick, name all of the great college football players that emerged from mines?

"Huh? Can you repeat that?"

Sanchez....GONZO!

Petey Carroll is none too happy.

And frankly, fuck'em. It's nice for once that USC's annual, season-ending ass-kissing session after another year of coming up short is countered by some nice, harsh reality.

Maybe now OSU will only lose to the Trojans by 20 next season.

Check out Coach Carroll and his obvious disdain in the following.




Forgot to add this from the LA Daily News:

USC coach Pete Carroll was extremely ungracious during the Mark Sanchez press conference. He stormed out of the room and did not even sit at the table before Sanchez addressed the media. Something he never did when Matt Leinart, etc., announced their decisions. Carroll never sat down at the table but stood with his palms on the table. His anger was clear if you spend time around him. Not a great moment.

"You called down the Thunder..."

If you haven't seen 'Tropic Thunder', I highly recommend you do so. It's not the most hilarious movie of all time by any stretch but it "strong to very strong" as Ben Stiller would say. I would say it's much better then anything Will Ferrell has produced since 'Old School'.

I watched it three times last week. Director's cut twice, actor's commentary once.

On a related note, Tim Tebow has played three years of college football. He's got two national titles and the year he didn't hoist the trophy he claimed the Heisman. That's some rare air up there.

Oh, and he's coming back for another title and another Heisman next year. I hate that guy.

Anyway, back to the 'Thunder'. The highlight of the movie for me, is the incredibly talented Robert Downey Jr. who spends most of the movie as the character Sgt. Lincoln Osiris. This may sound crazy but it's one of the best acting jobs I've ever seen, primarily because Osiris is an African-American Vietnam soldier and Downey Jr., well...isn't.

During my third screening of the movie I was still picking up things that Sgt. Osiris says that I couldn't understand the first time. This is one of the reasons I recommend seeing it more then once.

The actor's commentary features Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr., and Jack Black. Here's the best part though, Downey Jr. does almost the entire commentary using the voice of Lincoln Osiris. It's gold.

Oh, and another major plus with this movie is the minor role by Tom Cruise. He plays a slimy Hollywood producer. Think 'Suge Knight crossed with Entourage's Ari Gold'. The Cruise is wearing enough make-up and prosthesis to nearly conceal his identity. Again, good stuff.

Go check it out. Right. Now.

Seniors

Some interesting comments from collegefootballnews.com's Pete Fiutak regarding Ohio State's senior class that just wrapped up their careers. They suffered some bad losses in their time but almost never to inferior opponents.

Ask yourself, which is worse, getting hammered by a really good team or losing a close one to a clearly weaker opponent? Hard to say really. Personally I would say that the latter definitively points to poor coaching (Pete Carroll).

Fiutak speaks to the quality of the teams that have recently vanquished the Buckeyes:


3. What did James Laurinaitis, Malcolm Jenkins, and the 23 other Ohio State seniors do to earn this fate? Buckeye fans, at least you still have the 2002 national title in your memory bank to fall back on. The OSU seniors, the ones who actually played on the field, will have to live the rest of their lives with a ridiculously unfair check mark next to their careers, sort of like the Buffalo Bills that lost four straight Super Bowls.

"Oh sure, they had great careers, but ...."

There will always be a stigma overshadowing the special accomplishments that otherwise should be lauded. After getting blasted in the last two national title games, and dealing with the embarrassment that followed, the defense was one stop away from all but closing things out with a brilliant statement that would've all but forgiven the other big January losses. Instead, the Buckeyes got their hearts ripped out knowing they were just two minutes, and a few inches on a key fourth down play, from finishing off one of the greatest eras in school history.

Over the last four years, Ohio State has gone 43-8 with four straight trips to the BCS. Two of the losses were in national championships (which is far more forgivable than this group ever got credit for), one was to a Texas team that probably belonged in the national championship, one was to a USC team that would probably win the national championship if there was some sort of a playoff, one was to a Penn State team that won the Big Ten title and played in the Rose Bowl, one was to an Illinois team that played in the 2008 Rose Bowl, one was to a 2005 Penn State team that went 11-1, won the Big Ten title, and won the Orange Bowl, and the other was to the Vince Young-led 2005 national champion Texas team. The eight losses came to teams teams that went a combined 93-12 (that's an 89% winning percentage) and finished their seasons in the BCS. Let that sink in for a moment. In the end, this year's Ohio State senior class didn't lose to a dud team, had big wins over Notre Dame in the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, at Texas in 2006, and beat Michigan four straight times (five straight if you count a redshirt year of 2004) including the 2006 powerhouse. This will be remembered as an extremely great group that showed tremendous resiliency, but it simply wasn't good enough to be at the top of the mountain. However, these seniors came very, very close. - Pete Fiutak

Bevo'd

Buckeyes lose a heartbreaker. Ugh.

I am vacillating between "moral victory" and "FUCK!"

Let's face it folks, only the heartiest Buckeye fans thought thought OSU was even going to be in that game, much less come within 20 seconds of winning. The conventional wisdom was that Texas would pound Ohio State the way USC, Florida and LSU did in an attempt to prove the BCS wrong. Clearly that didn't happen.

Texas was a heavy favorite, was the better team throughout the season and definitely had the better QB. We are THE Ohio State University and we expect to win every single game regardless of competition. You don't win them all though. No one does. Ohio State lost another game to a very good team.

As the Columbus Dispatch's Bob Hunter pointed out today, this loss is much easier to swallow then the last two title games and the USC game. In those games the Buckeyes looked unprepared, over-matched and uninspired. They took early leads in all those contests and then got summarily pounded through the meat of the contest.

Raise your hand if you thought it was over when Texas went up 17-6 in the third quarter?

[MY RIGHT ARM IS EXTENDED]

Raise your hand if you left the bar you were watching the game at when Texas went up 17-6 in the third quarter?

[MY RIGHT ARM IS EXTENDED]

Raise your hand if you "accidentally" walked down the street that White Castle is on while heading home after Texas went up 17-6 in the third quarter?

[MY RIGHT ARM IS EXTENDED]

Raise your hand if you purchased approximately $16 worth of food from said White Castle in an attempt to soothe your battered soul after Texas went up 17-6 in the third quarter?

[AGAIN]

Raise your hand if you carried the feast home and turned on the TV only to find that the Buckeyes had come roaring back after Texas had gone up 17-6 in the third quarter?

[AND AGAIN]

Raise your hand if you only ended up eating about 15% of the aforementioned "comfort food" while rabidly cheering on the Bucks?

[AND AGAIN]

[SIDEBAR] Is there any other food out there that tastes great while you're scarfing it down and is then followed with IMMEDIATE and INTENSE regret the way White Castle is? I cannot tell you how elated I was to discover that my food had gotten cold and that I was no longer interested in eating it. My insides thanked me when I woke up this morning.

What I will try to take away from the 2009 Fiesta Bowl is that when I thought the Buckeyes would quit, when many thought the Buckeyes would quit, when I quit on the Buckeyes, the Buckeyes did nothing of the sort. They fought back and gave themselves a chance to win the game.

Let's remember also that the Fiesta Bowl had no bearing on the national title. Well, don't tell Mack Brown that, but the reality is the Buckeyes were playing in a bowl game that in the grand scheme meant nothing. They were playing for pride and for the coveted "respect". They did not win the game but I think they at least earned some small measure of both.

Remember, it was not that long ago (exactly two years as a matter of fact) that the Buckeyes were the undisputed kings. After OSU beat #2 Michigan in the 'Shoe, there was not a soul on the planet that didn't think the Buckeyes were the best team in the land. Of course, it all came crashing down in spectacular fashion. The point is, the Buckeyes HAVE won big games and they WILL win big games. And sooner then you think I bet.

Onto some specifics from the game:

- There are some out there today questioning the offensive wrinkles Ohio State installed, particularly the use of Boeckman at QB so much and putting Pryor at WR. My reaction is thank you Jim Tressel for using all the time off to come up with something the other team hadn't already seen. I think we have all had quite enough of the Buckeyes trying to beat presumably superior teams with the exact same offense we've seen all year. Particularly in a bowl game that really doesn't mean much, WHY NOT!?

- As far as the last play where Texas scored the touchdown, I really don't have a problem with the defense they were in. I don't like the notion of sitting back in a zone and letting a great QB like McCoy (and his wagon wheel) pick you apart. Anderson Russell was in position to make the play and he missed. It is unfortunate but I certainly do not blame Russell for the game. In fact, I thought the defense played inspired and held an extremely potent Texas offense well below it's average on the scoreboard.

- In my opinion Ohio State lost the game in the third quarter when the offense couldn't stay on the field and give the defense a breather. Texas exploited this by going with the hurry-up offense and that was good solid coaching from Texas. Two three and outs in the third quarter may have doomed the Buckeyes down the stretch.

- Which brings us to Chris "Beanie" Wells. Sure would have been nice to have Wells more in the second half to try and grind out the clock and shorten the game. Apparently he was on the sidelines with a concussion. I don't think Chris Wells is a quitter, I just think he's brittle. His running style does indeed lend itself to a lot of punishment but too many times he has not been on the field in crunch time. You have to wonder if things would have been different with him on the field in the fourth quarter.

- Obviously the next question for Chris Wells is will he go pro? The standard thinking is that if you're a running back, you get to the next level as quick as you can. If you're going to take that punishment you might as well get paid, right? Given the way things ended up in the Fiesta Bowl, it might be a bit more murky. Would you draft Chris Wells right now? And no, I don't mean you Detroit Lions, you don't count. As I heard Jim Lachey say yesterday there's something special about playing football in Columbus. That may sound corny but it's true. Think about all the guys that came back after last year. I will have nothing bad to say about Chris Wells if he goes pro, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he came back.

- A casual college football fan asked me today about Todd Boeckman saying "he looked good". He was basically asking why we hadn't seen more of TB during the season. All you have to do to answer that question is watch the second-to-last play of the game. The shitty Ohio State offensive line can't stop the defensive lineman from getting to the QB and it's over. Todd Boeckman couldn't have gotten away from him in a Ferrari. Todd played well for the most part last night and it's not his fault, never was, that we had a sub-par offensive line this season.

'Fins

The Miami Dolphins season ended yesterday. A first round playoff loss to the Baltimore Ravens is how they wrapped it up.

The Dolphins certainly looked like the less talented team yesterday in Miami. Particularly at the WR position where they literally had almost nothing. When an undrafted rookie out of Hawai'i is your best WR you're going to have some problems.

Ted Ginn Jr. continued his extremely mediocre pro career. He had five catches for 38 yards and a long of nine. In all fairness, Pennington was hounded by the Ravens' defense all day.

I think Teddy will get it together eventually and at least be a serviceable WR in the League. It seems doubtful at this point that he'll ever live up to being a top ten pick but it's still early.

More important then all that though, the Dolphins won ONE game last year. ONE game. They had a new head coach this season and they managed to win the AFC East ahead of the Patriots (obviously without Brady) and the Jets (obviously with Capt. INT).

Let me say this again, the Dolphins were playing a home playoff game yesterday one year after they had lost nearly all their games.

So why is it that the Cincinnati Bengals have had ONE winning season in the last 20 years? It's obviously not as hard to be successful as some people think.

Club Trillion

Here's a new one.

We've seen pro athletes blogging for several years now. Most of the time it's boring beyond belief. Sometimes you get some good juice however.

Donovan McNabb's mother famously lamented on her son's blog that winning a Superbowl would be "bittersweet" because Donovan was injured and not playing. Sure, that'll win you a lot of points with Philly fans.

And of course there is the Washington Wizards Gilbert Arenas. Arenas has routinely provided fodder for talk radio with comments on his blog. My favorite of these was of course when Gilbert informed the masses that he often spends halftime in the locker room playing online poker. Nice. Doesn't coaching pro athletes sound like fun?

Anyway, now we have a collegiate athlete blogging and guess what? He's one of our own. The Ohio State basketball teams' Mark Titus has launched 'Club Trillion' and thus far it's been fairly entertaining.

Who is Mark Titus?

Exactly.

Titus is a junior guard from Indiana. You've never heard of him because he almost never plays. He might not be the actual 12th man on the roster, but he's definitely a lot closer to the 12 spot then the starting five. Thus the name 'Club Trillion'.

Getting a 'trillion' in basketball terms means you get on the court for one minute and log no other listable stats whatsoever. Thus your stat line reads 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0. No points, no assists, no rebounds, no steals, no nothin'.

Mark's latest tale from the road includes getting stuck in an elevator at the team hotel in Minneapolis and parlaying that predicament into some free pizzas courtesy of the hotel. I'm sure the NCAA will be in touch shortly to drop the hammer.

You can catch the rest of Mark's musings here.

Big game for the Buckeyes tomorrow...

Are they still playing that game?

Yes?

Yippee.

We're all real excited aren't we?

And with good reason.

Anyone catch the Rose Bowl?

Or the Cap. One Bowl?

Or the Alamo Bowl?

Or the Insight Bowl?

I don't think this is exactly the 'golden era' for the Big Ten is it?

Plenty more later on the Rose Bowl. Yes, the Nittany Lions got punked. That doesn't mean USC will win the Superbowl though.

Anyway, the only thing compelling I've heard leading up to the Fiesta Bowl is that T. Pryor wasn't made available to the media?

Seriously?

That's the best we can do?

Buckeye Nation expects defeat. If we are beaten down as is expected, we will all say we expected to be beaten down in a meaningless game.

If the Buckeyes somehow manage to win, we will proclaim this as some grand re-emergence. That's right, we can flip-flop with the best of them.

V-I-K-I-N-G-S, SAY WHAT!

A brief indulgence, and it's my site so fuck-off anyway.

My other alma mater, the mighty, mighty Princeton Vikings are ranked number in the city of Cincinnati. If I'm not mistaken that same men's basketball team is ranked number one in the state of Ohio.

Don't eff with P-town, bitches.

Matt Millen hatred...eye-witness account

While watching the very entertaining Colts-Chargers game last night at a local watering hole, I ran into something I have not yet witnessed firsthand. That's right, a living, breathing Detroit Lions fan.

The gentlemen I was seated next to, a friend-of-a-friend, practically levitated when he saw the visage of former Lions GM Matt Millen on the screen during halftime doing "analysis" for NBC. A profanity-laden tirade ensued and it became clear quickly that this guy was no fan of Matt Millen.

He has a point though doesn't he?

From Wikipedia:

His tenure as head of the franchise led to the worst eight-year record in the NFL (31-97) since World War II, and resulted in his termination on September 24, 2008.

It is well documented how bad the Lions have been but I'd say that stat sums it up pretty well. When you're setting the wrong kind of records that have been around for more then half-a-century, you're setting the bar pretty low.

Here's another tidbit that I wasn't aware of, again from Wikipedia:

Prior to running the Detroit Lions, Millen was a professional football linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, the San Francisco 49ers and the Washington Redskins of the NFL. In Millen's 12-year NFL playing career, he played on four Super Bowl-winning teams.

You effing believe that shit? Matt Millen has FOUR Superbowl rings!!

Seriously? Four rings? That has to make him one of the most successful NFL players in the history of the league.

And yet no one is even remotely aware of those accolades because he was such an immense failure as a GM. Wow.

Here's another question. I'm a casual viewer. I'm sitting at home watching the game. I don't need a beer or a piss break so I watch the halftime show. I'm then subjected to the opinions of Matt Millen? REALLY? What possible evidence exists out there that indicates he knows the first thing about how to run a football team? There aren't many HIGH SCHOOLS in America that would hire Matt Millen right now.

Back to my friend the Lions fan though. Imagine the frustration. Matt Millen symbolizes in a nutshell the complete and utter futility of the franchise. Finally, in the wake of the aforementioned, historic failure he is let go. At this point, as a Lions fan, you are hoping that as punishment Millen will never be heard from again. He will be exiled to some figurative island outside the realm of the NFL.

Nope.

Here Matt Millen and all his bullshit comes again, explaining to you at the halftime of a playoff game what the Indianapolis Colts need to do to win this game. Seriously, how ludicrous is that? Matt Millen giving advice to the Colts is like O.J. Simpson providing marital advice.

Great country isn't it?

The Crawl is killing us all very, very slowly...

What's the crawl?

It's kind of like wind. Sometimes you don't notice it, but it's always there. And it can be damned annoying at times.

In the vernacular of broadcast TV, "the crawl" is the scrolling text at the bottom of the screen that provides up-to-the-minute information. On CNBC the crawl features current stock prices. The Weather Channel might have current temps from around the country.

As usual, the 800 lb. sports gorilla, ESPN, has taken a relatively tame television concept and turned it into something so outrageous and annoying that it cries out to be ridiculed. The crawl is such a massive distraction that it is getting hard to watch live sports events on any of the ESPN channels. No one does overkill like the folks up in Bristol, CT.

The crawl on ESPN originated as a fairly inocuous yet meaningful aspect of the network. Current scores from various leagues were (and still are) scrolled at the bottom of the screen. The score of a sports contest takes about half-a-second for the human brain to digest.

...MLB: ATL 4, LAD 2, Top of the 3rd...

See? That's not so bad is it?

Apparently that isn't sufficient anymore. In addition to scores now we also get stats.

...NFL: PHI 17, SF 3, 3:16 4th Qtr...McNabb 13/22 178 yds, 2 TD's...Westbrook 11 carries for 119 yds...

All that is probably more then I really need to know. I mean think about it, if you missed the first 30 minutes of a game and walk into a room where it is on, what's the first thing you ask?

"What's up fellas!? Hey, the team that's winning, how many yards does the starting running back have?"

No, that's probably not how it goes down.

"What's the score?" That's all you generally want to know.

I would say the evolution of ESPN's crawl really came into its own in the midst of last summer's epic Brett Favre saga. Unfortunately I will never be able to forget the ten mins. I spent watching the following:

"BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season."

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! I GET IT!! BRETT FAVRE WANTS TO PLAY!!

Do the the suits at ESPN think that someone is going to see some snippet of major Brett Favre news, then walk out of the room and completely forget what they just saw? Do they run this horsehit across the screen on a loop in hopes that all of these feeble-minded viewers will wander back to the TV and be reminded two minutes later?

At this point the crawl on ESPN has gotten completely out of control. While watching bowl games on New Years Day I was subjected to all manner of various BS scrolling across the bottom of the screen, most of which pertained to the Jets and you-know-who, Capt. INT, Brett Favre.

It's not scores or stats anymore, it's out-in-out gossip. I have never seen more meaningless drivel concentrated in one place in my entire life.

...Jet RB Thomas Jones tells NYC radio station Hot 97 that Brett Favre throws too many picks...

...Anonymous Jets player tells Newsday that Brett Favre doesn't like to eat out with teammates...

...Manny Ramirez considers haircut...

...Ohio State RB Chris Wells has made no decision regarding NFL Draft...

...Ohio State RB Chris Wells has made no decision regarding lunch...

...Jet RB Thomas Jones tells ESPN, "Yeah, you know, what I just said about Brett, you know, I was just vibing, you know?"...

I'd say that pretty well sums it up.

Oh, and by the way, Hot 97? Are you fucking kidding me? That's one of the major hip-hop radio stations in New York City. It's not an ESPN affiliate. It's not a sports station.

If I want to hear where P. Diddy's latest release party is going to be, I listen to Hot 97. If I want to know why T.I.'s crew got shot up in Cincinnati, I listen to Hot 97. If I want to stay current with east coast-west coast beefs, I listen to Hot 97. If I want pertinent information regarding the Jets, I go elsewhere.

It's one thing to quote the Associated Press. Their entire purpose is to provide credible news to the masses. It's another thing to quote an interview that was conducted on some hip-hop music radio station and broadcast it across national airwaves as if it is remotely relevant.

I'll give another example that hits closer to home. I'm watching ESPN roughly a week ago and all of a sudden I see the following:

...Ohio State may use Terrelle Pryor and Todd Boeckman at the same time on some plays in the Fiesta Bowl Columbus Dispatch reports...

OK, so let me get this straight. A possible offensive wrinkle in a bowl game that has no bearing on anything is news that needs to be shared with the entire country immediately? Who outside of Texas or Ohio gives a rats' ass how many QB's Ohio State might put on the field at once in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl? This is pretty much the essence of the crawl on ESPN these days.

[SIDEBAR] - Aren't the practices supposed to be closed? Don't these coaches go through some considerable hoops to make sure other teams don't know what they're up to? Don't you think that a Boeckman-Pryor backfield might be slightly more effective (if at all) when the other team has no inkling this is a possibility? How come every time an OSU player sneezes I have to see it reported by ESPN and everyone else? Last year it was widely reported that OSU players were given some motivational DVD before the title game. This year it's Pryor/Boeckman BS. Not that any of this ultimately matters at all, but for once it would be nice to find this stuff out during the game, not weeks before.

Sometimes it seems like the crawl is even contradicting itself. Another sample:

...Boston Herald reports Cleveland Browns decision regarding Asst. GM Scott Pioli must come by end of day today...

...Bill Cowher interested in Cleveland Browns head coach position...

...Bill Cowher does not want to coach during 2009 season...

...Cleveland Plain Dealer refutes Boston Herald report that Pioli decision must come by sunset...

...Bill Cowher interested in Jets head coaching position...

...Bill Cowher not interested in Jets head coaching position...

...Bill Cowher not interested in football in general stating, "I'm just going through the motions for CBS"...

...Bill Cowher, "I'm interested in football, just not pro or college football"...

You get the idea.

The relative importance of of the garbage ESPN throws up on the crawl is comical. Fourteen-year-old girls think the ESPN crawl gossips too much. It seems like maybe ESPN should just hook some RSS feeds up to the crawl from professional athletes' Facebook pages. That way, every single time one of these idiots comments on something we can immediately see it on our TV screen.

I'm going to go ahead and say we've got about a year before Facebook TV is a reality.

I think I'm going to cry.

I'm crying right now.

Really, I am.

OK, I'm done.

I used to disparage my significant other for watching celebrity "news" on any number of shows produced by the E! network. Now I know better. In fact, I'm actually starting to wonder if watching E! isn't a better use of your time.

Let's compare, shall we? On ESPN we get sweaty ogres that barely got through college constantly saying and doing dumb things. On E! we get attractive actors and actresses that barely got through college constantly saying and doing dumb things.

Hmmm...toss up.

Here's my other question for ESPN regarding the crawl. If every single minor piece of insignificant bullshit is immediately going to be pushed across my screen, what in the fuck do I need Sportscenter for? Why does ESPNews still exist? Why do I need espn.com available 24 hours a day?

While attempting to watch a bowl game, I get all manner of shallow, Brett Favre "news". So after the game I'm supposed to sit through Sportscenter and watch while they rehash the exact same shit I've been watching for three hours?

There are many sports fans out there that say, "I only watch ESPN for live sporting events." I couldn't agree more, although I do confess a soft spot for Pardon the Interruption.

Sadly, ESPN is doing everything that it can to shoe-horn all of its other bullshit into live sporting events too. It's getting damn near impossible to watch a football game because I'm constantly reading about Brett Favre or the Yankees or the Cowboys or whoever. It's as if actual sporting events are now secondary to ESPN.

Anyone catch those ridiculous "Interactive Tuesday" productions? I'm supposed to watch a football game I'm not overly interested in while you scroll the randomly-selected comments of some teenager in Boise, ID across the screen in the middle of plays? Are you fucking kidding me? I'd rather punch myself in the junk and call it a night.

Thank you ESPN for the crawl. Quite an inovation. That's real progress. You colossal assholes.

University of Georgia President Fails to Mouth Off

Did I miss something?

The University of Georgia won their bowl game didn't? Put in a pretty good performance too? Well, except for the first half where they practically had more penalties then first downs.

So where is University of Georgia president Michael F. Adams? Cat got your tongue Mike?

You all remember Prez Adams don't you? He was last seen pissing and moaning about a college football playoff after the Bulldogs thumped vastly overmatched Hawai'i in the Sugar Bowl a year ago.

From an espn.com posted last January:

Michael Adams, chairman of the NCAA executive committee, has opposed a playoff for 20 years but said Tuesday the current BCS system is "undercutting the sportsmanship and integrity of the game."

Did you catch that? He's been opposed to a playoff for two decades but when he feels his school is getting screwed he quickly switches direction.

Then again, he's not known as Mr. Integrity, not even in his own backyard. He couldn't step aside for ten seconds to let Les Miles and LSU enjoy their national title last year. Way to show your athletic conference a little respect pal.

President Adams is so popular that private citizens once submitted a petition with over 60,000 signatures to the state of Georgia calling for his ouster. Nice work Mike!

So again, I'm wondering where is Mr. Adams this weekend? I mean, his university's football team finished the season with an impressive one-game win streak. Hell, they started the season ranked number one. Who cares if they were a massive disappointment to their fans this season?

You want to bitch about the BCS? Fine. It's a popular pastime especially this time of year. Personally I'd say it's one of the bigger wastes of time out there besides say, exercising. People have been bitching about the BCS since its inception and all that screaming and yelling has produced approximately SQUAT. The exact same system has essentially be in place for ten years now and isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Coaches and administators that want to whine about notions of "fair" and "right" (as if there was anything fair or right on this planet) do themselves an incredible disservice by only voicing their opinion when they feel slighted. You want to wake some people up? How about the winner of Thursdays national title game stand up and say, "We are happened to be national champs, but we feel this system is flawed."

Bob Stoops is on record shilling for a playoff. Think he'll complain if he's handed the crystal football? Nah. If asked he'll tell you that we have an imperfect but effective means of crowning a champ.

I'm sure you could get Pete Carroll to lobby for a playoff this year. He didn't seem to have any problem with it when USC was playing in the BCS national title game.

Same goes for Mack Brown and Texas fans. They have decided that the BCS has screwed them out of a shot at the national title. First off, not true. It was the Big XII's inability to effectively crown a divisional winner that put the 'Horns in the Fiesta Bowl instead of the national title game. Secondly, this same group had no issue with the system when they won it all a few years back.

You want to be down on the BCS? At least be consistent. Otherwise your whining doesn't hold water.

Brian Hoyer thinks Stephen Garcia had a decent game

The one positive Michigan State fans will take away from the 2009 Capitol One Bowl is that it was Brian Hoyer's last game. Talk about deja vu, it was almost exactly one year ago that we saw Brian Hoyer pretty much single-handedly losing a bowl game for the Spartans.

I'm not sure I would go as far as to say that Hoyer's play at QB cost Michigan State the game. It definitely didn't help.

Let's put it this way, once it became obvious that neither UGA RB Knowshon Moreno or MSU RB Javon Ringer were going to get loose, it came down to Brian Hoyer vs. UGA QB Matt Stafford. End of story.

Fittingly, Hoyer's last pass of the game was picked off. Reminds me of another "great" collegiate QB who wrapped it up with an INT. Yep, the great Steve Bellisari. So we'll think of Brian Hoyer as "Steve-Bellisari-Lite", except without all the...success.

Once I saw Matt Stafford standing tall in the pocket with nary a green jersey anywhere near him, I knew this game was pretty much over. Conversely, the Georgia defensive line was having a tailgate party in the MSU backfield all afternoon.

You see, football is not rocket science. Not even close. You protect your QB, you're going to score points. You put pressure on the other QB, you're going to hold them down. It's that simple.

By the way, much thanks to Matt Stafford's mom for not acting like an idiot in the stands. Yet again, the ESPN cameras zoomed in on the QB's family during the game. I thought it was going to be the Chase Daniel Family Alamo Bowl all over again.

I have no fucking idea what the directors at these sporting events are thinking. Let's see, we've got a nice tight game here, let's keeping throwing it to the stands for some family reaction after every play.

This is certainly not unique to ESPN. We've been seeing this garbage at sporting events for years. No one does overkill like the World Wide Leader though.

Anyone notice that Chase Daniel didn't have a particularly good game for Missouri? Anyone else notice that there were about 35 other guys playing for Mizzou? Anyone else notice that this is the freaking Alamo Bowl, not the Superbowl for crying out loud?

Well, ESPN certainly didn't. Subsequently we were treated to Chase Daniel's family, primarily his mother and sister, jumping around like hyenas and acting like the outcome of the Alamo Bowl was determining the fate of the free world.

Hawkeyes blow it.

Thanks for nothing Iowa.

The Big Ten had a real good shot at pulling a 'Detroit Lions' and losing all of their bowl games this year. I thought maybe with that kind of collapse that the Big Ten might be in line for some TARP money or something. No dice.

Iowa beat the crap out of S. Carolina yesterday, 31-7. It's a nice win for Iowa which doesn't seem to have nearly as much trouble beating SEC teams as say...Ohio State.

There is a rumor floating around out there that Iowa Head Coach Kirk Ferentz will be leaving for the NFL, possibly the Browns' opening. Pete Fiutak from collegefootballnews.com sums up nicely...

Kirk Ferentz is gone. Watch for Ferentz to be among the top candidates for the Cleveland Browns opening, especially if Scott Paoli from New England becomes the general manager. Ferentz was a hot name for several NFL openings around five years ago, cooled off, and now he’s not going to let the ship sail twice. If Ferentz wants to take a step up and be in the NFL, now he has to do it on the heels of this great Outback Bowl win, and with a wee bit of a rebuilding job to be done losing Shonn Greene to the NFL and with some other key pieces also gone.

I'm not 100% sure I agree with this assessment. Sure, I'll bet Ferentz would take an NFL gig. Winning in Iowa on a consistent basis isn't easy. Just ask...Kirk Ferentz.

There was a nice little off-the-field mess in Iowa City last year too. I'm sure Ferentz would love to leave all that pesky disciplining to the NFL front office.

I'm not sure I'm willing to buy Ferentz as the next Cleveland Browns coach though. When was the last time we saw a collegiate coach jump to the NFL and succeed? I'm not sure the Cleveland faithful will buy another 'maybe he can do this' pick for the top spot.

And speaking of collegiate coaches and the NFL, what in the hell has happened to Steve Spurrier? It's been ten years since he was relevant.

He stunk it up with the Redskins. Now he's plodding his way through an extremely mediocre stint at South Carolina. Through four complete seasons he's been to three bowl games and won one.

What's most bizarre is that Spurrier has yet to put a QB on the field that's worth a shit. The latest hot-shot QB to waltz into Columbia and have a visor thrown at him is Stephen Garcia. He flat-out sucked against Iowa yesterday accounting for four turnovers in the first half before getting yanked.

Do you realize that Steve Spurrier won the SEC six times during his 12-year stint at Florida? Now he can't win the Outback Bowl.

To be fair, the SEC of the 1990's was not nearly as stout as the current group. The SEC has an All-Star cast of head coaches, correct? That's what I was told before this season anyway. How'd that turn out?

Fulmer is gone. Tuberville is gone. Croom is gone. Petrino is a scumbag.

Did I miss anyone?

My guess is you'll get one more season out of Spurrier regardless of how his team does next year. As is the case with Iowa's Ferentz, hard to win consistently when you're always second fiddle in your own conference.

I would advise Spurrier's caddy to enjoy your time off now. You're going to be busy after next season.

Goodbye 2008

To quote the completely nude Matt Bucher that was standing in the open doorway of a first floor motel room on a snowy New Years Day ten years ago, “MEDDIE NEW YEAR!”


The rest of that story will have to be told another time unfortunately.

Goodbye 2008, hello 2009. Good-fucking-riddance I say. That was a rough one.

Onward and upward...

New Years Eve, or as I like to call it, Amateur Night, has got to be one of the most annoying events on the calendar. My general plan for the time being is that about once out of every five years I'll try to go all out. Maybe a nice vacation or something. The rest of the time? You'll find me avoiding the masses.

And speaking of masses, I am still trying to figure out what in God's name is remotely appealing about cramming yourself into Times Square to see the ball drop? Does ANYTHING about that look fun to you?

You have to get there hours ahead of time to get shoe-horned into a "good" spot. There is nowhere to go to the bathroom. Think about that for minute.

Do I need to explain to you where people end up relieving themselves?

Secondly, I'm not 100% clear on this, but I'm not even sure there's anywhere to get booze. When was the last time you saw someone knocking down the suds in Times Square on New Years Eve?

Perhaps given the aforementioned bathroom situation the lack of alcohol is better for everyone involved.

Here's another plus, it's freezing-ass-cold. I believe with the wind chill the temperature around midnight was roughly zero. Sure, with all those people packed in there the conditions are somewhere in the ballpark of 'slightly more tolerable then a prostate exam'. Then again, people are also pissing all over themselves.

They have all those great live musical acts though!

I'd say that's probably doing the term 'great' a disservice. Maybe I've gotten to be an old man rather quickly but I'd say the number of live acts worth seeing in those conditions is about the same as Plaxico Burress' IQ. That's right, two.

The first would be my personal fave, Pearl Jam. I'm not totally committed to seeing Eddie and the boys in those conditions though. I would need some set list assurances before I was all-in.

The only other live act I would show up for would have to be the Lord, Jesus Christ, descending from Heaven to do some of his favorite parlor tricks. Maybe a little water-into-wine. Heal a few lepers. You know, the usual.

Outside of that? You got me.

Plus, anyone else notice how often these network New Years Eve shows are "throwing it somewhere else" for a musical number? You get Elton John from Las Vegas or Sheryl Crow from London. Some of the musical groups were doing their thing right down the street at Rockefeller Center. I even saw some act the other night that was performing live in Dayton, OH.

Dayton?

Really?

Yeah, so when they're beaming in one of these remote numbers, you're basically just watching it on a big TV if you're unlucky enough to be standing in Times Square, correct? Aren't the rest of us at home watching it on TV too? And seeing the same thing? Except not freezing our ass off in a pool of human waste?

Sounds like a great time. Now imagine coming to this realization.

I'm in Times Square. I'm freezing. I'm sober. I just pissed myself. For the third time. And now I'm watching some shitty musical act in Dayton, OH. Man, the people in Dayton look warm. I wish I was in Dayton. Kill me now God, please.

Anyone else notice that about five minutes after midnight that Times Square had COMPLETELY cleared out? I wonder how long the line was for the nearest bathroom?

I have come to realize that the reason everyone in Times Square on New Years Eve is from somewhere other then New York City is because the New Yorkers have long since figured out how miserable it is to be there. Too bad they couldn't let all these other poor saps know what they were in for ahead of time.

Here's a tip. If you want to see the ball drop on Times Square, shell out and get yourself a hotel room overlooking that mess. You'll stay warm, you'll have access to plenty of booze and most importantly, you won't have to change your shorts immediately following the proceedings.

One other bonus of watching the Times Square festivities anywhere other then Times Square is you'll get to clearly hear every word America's favorite stroke victim Dick Clark has to say. [SHUDDER]

What the hell is up with that anyway? A friend recently described that scene as 'heart-wrenching'. And everyone knows, heart-wrenching and good times go hand-in-hand like peanut-butter and jelly.

Who is running ABC these days? What network executive is sitting at home on New Years Eve applauding Dick Clark as he struggles to count down from ten to zero? You're supposed to be selling merriment, not speech therapy.

Don't get me wrong, I am not disparaging Dick Clark in the least. Or any stroke victim. My own grandfather, God rest his soul, eventually succumbed to the effects of a stroke. You'll notice he wasn't on national TV trying to count backwards at any point.

There was a time when Dick Clark was an institution in this country, but that train has sailed. Trust me, anyone old enough to remember Dick Clark on American Bandstand hasn't stayed up until midnight for at least a decade.

Thank you ABC for turning what is supposed to be one of the biggest parties of the year into an uncomfortable trip to a retirement home. See you again next year!