Buckle up, this could be a long and winding road. I'm going to address the relative douchebaggery of a couple Bengals and I'm going to take my sweet time.
Most of the Cincinnati Bengals won't report for about a week. Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer are already getting warmed up though. They both showed up today in the media, in full reverse, backpedaling like crazy. What a couple of boobs.
First you've got Chad Johnson telling the Cincinnati Enquirer that he "apologizes to the fans" and said he'll report on time and won't be a malcontent.
"I was going through a situation where I felt a change was needed. It didn't work out. Hey, I'm back. Get ready for the show."
Here's the read-between-the-lines version of that statement.
"My agent, Lucifer, excuse me, Drew Rosenhaus, thought that my current contract would take me deep enough into my career that another monster contract might not be possible. So in order to get out of my current, horrendous situation, which includes having passes thrown to me by a future Hall of Famer, I pissed and moaned like a five-year-old. I told the world I was not going to play for the Bengals anymore under any circumstances even though I have three years on my ludicrous contract that merely makes me one of the highest paid receivers in the game.
Much to my surprise, the Bengals did not roll over and trade me to Washington or Miami or whoever. I mean come on, Miami would have been a great place for me to play. I love Miami. Who doesn't? Plus, they've got a great team. They won a game last year. And their quarterback is...wait...who is there quarterback anyway?
Whatever, how about the Redskins? The 'Skins were even willing to give the Bengals a first round draft pick in this year's draft and a third round pick in next year's draft! Who wouldn't take that deal?
I mean, who wouldn't want multiple first round picks? They're some of the highest paid players in the league and totally unproven in the NFL! The Bengals have gotten almost nothing out of recent first round picks David Pollack and Chris Perry but that doesn't mean there aren't other college stars out there to piss money away on, right?
Plus, a rookie drafted in the first round this year and a rookie drafted in the third round next year are clearly equal value to one of the best WR's in the league, right? You know what I'm sayin'? What's the problem here people? We can't make this shit happen?
So for some reason, the Bengals didn't take the motherfuckin' bait. Marvin Lewis stood up in front of the whole world and called my bluff. You believe that shit? Here I am, Ocho Cinco, being called out by my own damn coach! Doesn't he know the first name's 'Ocho' and the last name's 'Cinco'!?
Ain't that a bitch. The Bengals told me to take my holdout and shove it up my ass. DAMN!
I wish Lucifer, I mean Drew, would have told me that when I signed that contract that put that fat signing bonus in my pocket that it meant I had to honor the terms. Yeah, the Bengals can cut me anytime they want to, but I've got to live up to the terms of my contract. That's just how this shit works.
I guess if I really didn't like the way it's all goin' down that I would go start my own business or run a hedge fund or somethin' or maybe become an astronaut! You know I'm not going to do that shit though. I'm going to stay right here and keep my pockets fat by acting like a clown after I catch these here touchdown passes.
Speakin' of that, listen to this shit right here, this is, this is some shit man. When I catch a touchdown pass this year, I'm going to take my helmet off after I catch the pass. That's not even the best part though. I know I get fined for taking off my helmet, but I don't care, I don't need all this money I'm cryin' about anyway.
Listen though, when I take my helmet off, I'm going to have my hair done up like Bozo the Clown! That's right! Bozo the motherfuckin' Clown! All red and picked out to the sides all wide! Damn that shit is gonne be tight! OCHO CINCO bitches! OCHO CINCO!
Anyway, so thanks Cincinnati Bengals fans, for laughing at me and rolling your eyes knowingly when I was throwing my temper tantrum a few months ago. I know you'll forgive me after I dust some sorry-ass Browns DB en route to the endzone."
Uhhh...right. I'd say that about sums it up.
On to Mr. Carson Palmer.
As noted previously, Carson Palmer is no fan of the Buckeyes. That's not surprising really. If my Alma mater was winning the Rose Bowl every year after mind-numbing losses to AWFUL also-rans like Stanford I'd probably be annoyed with Ohio State too.
Anyway, much like his partner in pathetic, Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer and his band of spin doctors sprung into action today. Having realized that Carson's comments to an LA radio station denigrating Ohio State and its fans had made its way back to Buckeye Nation HQ, the suits began to spin their web of lies. Subsequently, Carson Palmer released the following statement through the Bengals' PR department:
"I'm a Trojan all the way, and I was talking to a Trojan audience in California. I guess I got a little fired up, as all good fans will do. But I really do respect the Buckeyes, and I know their fans are passionate, too. I hope they all understand I'm just looking forward to a big game for my school against a very tough opponent, and that it's all in the good fun of a rivalry. You don't have a real rivalry unless both sides are great teams."
FUCK YOU CARSON PALMER YOU FUCKING PUSSY. What a lame-ass thing to do. I had no problem WHATSOEVER with what Carson Palmer said about Ohio State. The guy went to USC, I'm sure he thinks Southern Cal is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I'm sure he thinks, as many do, that Ohio State is a joke and overrated and will be absolutely trounced by the Trojans.
To see Carson Palmer cave and backpedal and pander is beyond pathetic. You obviously said what you believe to be true Carson, STAND BY YOUR FUCKING WORD. OWN IT!
I'm sure the Bengals' corporate infrastructure let Carson Palmer know that hey, guess what? Ohio State is the largest university in the country with one of the largest followings and you live a stone's throw from the epicenter of that happening. So while you're comments were honest and not mean-spirited, it's not necessarily the best idea from a marketing perspective to insult some of the people that allow you to live better then 99% of the population. That's just a guess on my part.
The most pathetic aspect of this whole episode is that Carson began his rant by saying, "No, I don't watch what I say around here when it comes to USC or Ohio State." Oh really Carson? If you don't give a shit what people here you say then why did you issue some bullshit "retraction" through the Bengal's PR group? PUSSY! Stand up for what you believe you asshole!
Damn is that shit annoying.
For the record, Carson Palmer is STILL...my guy. Who Dey!
And finally, in other Bengals news, Marvin Lewis thankfully told the media that previously released WR Chris Henry 'ain't playin' in Cincinnati on my watch'.
"I'm not interested," Lewis told reporters Tuesday, before the team's annual preseason luncheon. "I don't think it would be productive for our football team. You have to be a productive part to be an NFL player, and there's responsibilities to being an NFL player. It's a privilege, it's not a right. There's a lot that comes with being an NFL football player."
Amen!
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