Bill Plaschke...certified Shithead

I'll be honest, I wasn't going to get too riled up over the OSU-USC game. The Buckeyes lackluster performance against the Bobcats, the Trojans utter dominance in their first contest, and the last two title games have tempered enthusiasm considerably.

Then I read the musings of the L.A. Times' Bill Plaschke. Some of you may be familiar with this clown that regularly appears on ESPN's afternoon abomination "Around the Horn." You're doing something really, really wrong Plaschke if you're routinely upstaged by professional assbags Jay Marriotti and Woody Paige.

Plaschke got ahold of Ray Small's somewhat derogatory comments regarding USC and has surmised the following:

- Ray Small speaks for the entire team, the coaching staff and all of Buckeye Nation

- The Trojans will be really fired up for this game because of Ray Small's comments

What a complete and utter load of shit Billy. Are you fucking kidding me? Southern Cal needs bulletin board material to get fired-up for a nationally televised night game against Ohio State? A game that has been anticipated on a national scale for almost a year?

If that's the case then USC has much bigger problems then people think.

Bulletin board material is vastly overrated by the way. I have never once seen a newspaper run onto a field and make an open-field tackle. I've never seen a scrap of paper tacked to a wall intercept a pass.

However, Ray's comments were idiotic. You would think after seeing his team get pasted the last two years at the end of the season he would know better then to badmouth anyone, anywhere, anytime.

You're coming off a game that saw Ohio State losing to Ohio University in the fourth quarter you colossal moron. Now you're going to say something negative about the team that has won more games then anyone this decade? Wise. Wise indeed.

Ray Small, the next Ted Ginn Jr? He looks more like the next Chad Cacchio to me.

That all being said, Ray's comments don't give Bill-Fucking-Plaschke license to rip Ohio State. Stupid bald bastard. If I ever see this guy I'm going to give him a noogie until there's grey matter seeping out of his scalp.

Wait a minute though Matt? You're bald aren't you?

You know it. I've got a head like a fuckin' bowling ball. The difference is I don't look and sound like I just beamed down from the planet Jackass.

Let's get into it shall we? Plaschke opens it up with some of Ray's comments and then appears to suffer a stroke, all the while still typing away.

It's "a class thing. Here at Ohio State, they teach you to be a better man. There, it's just all about football."

A better man, perhaps, unless you are Ohio inmate Maurice Clarett.

Don't get me started.

No Bill, don't get ME started you fuckin' homer.

The "Maurice Clarett" dig is lazy, lame and irrelevant. If you're going to go there how about I call a few character witnesses to the stand on USC's behalf?

First up, Reginald Bush. Nice house your parents are staying in there Reggie. What'd they pay for it? You're kidding? Nothing? That sounds like a pretty good price to me.

Next to testify, Matt Leinart. A shithead QB with a bastard child and a warm seat on the bench backing up 47-year-old Kurt Warner. Don't worry Matty, keep this up and you'll be back home with your beer bong and your fat harlots in no time.

Shall I go on?

O.J. Mayo?

O.J. SIMPSON!!??

That's right Plaschke, I'll see your "Clarett" and raise you an "OJ". Double-murder always trumps drunken idiot.

That was just the start though. It gets better.

I'm still furious at the Buckeyes for ruining the last two national championship games by failing to show up in either.

I'm sick of annually watching them awkwardly slog their way to the top of the polls by winning a conference that has become college football's version of the International League.

And, yeah, at the end of that 2002 national championship game against Miami? Bad call. That was not pass interference. Period.

Wow. I'm still trying to understand this line of thinking, because it seems fairly prevalent. Apparently, Ohio State is the only team in the history of organized sports to get beaten badly in big games.

That 2004 title game between USC and Oklahoma? WAY more entertaining. Final score, 55-19. I guess Bill Plaschke is still waiting for Jim Tressel to come to his house and apologize for ruining his evening. Bob Stoops must have already paid him a visit.

I'm also wondering, in what way did Ohio State "awkwardly slog" their way to the top of the polls two years ago? The Buckeyes were number one for the ENTIRE regular season and went undefeated while beating two #2 teams. There wasn't a single person on the planet that felt OSU didn't deserve to play for it all during the 2006 season.

And did you see that folks? Bill Plaschke said it was not pass interference on Miami. I guess that's settled. Are you also going to complain about how Japan snuck up on us with that whole Pearl Harbor deal? Or about how the air quality is much worse these days since horses have been replaced by automobiles?

Why even bring that up? What possible relevance does that game or that call hold here? Are you now going to suggest that in fact Ohio State has never, ever won a football game? It's all smoke and mirrors?

Give me a fuckin' break.

By the way Billy, that OSU-Miami game? Never should have gone to OT. Gamble caught the pass for a first down that should have ended it but the catch was so ridiculously athletic that the refs couldn't comprehend how he came down with it. He did. That's another discussion for another time though.

I suppose Southern Cal on the other hand has NEVER been involved with a questionable call. Oh wait. Ever heard of the "Bush Push"?

More from Plaschke...

In varying forms, I've been hearing Small's comments since Tressel and Carroll were both hired eight years ago.

It's as if Ohio State folks believe they invented the game, while USC has only exploited it.

Ohio State plays football, USC entertains with it. Ohio State teaches football, USC taunts with it.

Blah, blah, blah.

Who in the hell is this guy talking to? Who other then LSU fans are badmouthing Southern Cal lately? Show me the Ohio State fan that thinks Tressel-ball is the only way to play the game. This guy needs to quit sniffing so much glue.

Ohio State has one of the largest followings of any team on the planet. So yeah, there are plenty of obnoxious idiots running around wearing scarlet and gray. However, I think you would find that the VAST majority of them are reasonable and respectful of what Southern Cal has accomplished.

And what have they accomplished exactly? Let's see.

If I'm not mistaken USC has won more games since the 2000 season then any other team in the country. They put players in the pro's in droves. Three of the last six Heisman trophies awarded have gone to USC players.

Yet for all their talent and wins, they are sitting on the same number of national titles as Ohio State in the BCS era, one.

Don't give me that AP national title horseshit either. That doesn't count and everyone knows it. Here's how you can tell. Ask any USC fan if they'd rather play in the BCS national title game or be awarded an AP national title. They know in their heart of hearts that BCS titles are legit and AP titles aren't.

At least when Ohio State loses, it's to really good teams. The Buckeyes have lost to three ranked teams over the last two seasons. Southern Cal lost to unranked Stanford. I'm still trying to figure out how Pete Carroll didn't get filleted for that one. The Trojans were favored by more then 40 points and playing at home. FORTY!

More Plaschke...

This condescending attitude is so prevalent in Ohio that this summer, even former Trojan Carson Palmer, who works in Cincinnati and never criticizes anybody, couldn't help himself.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes," he said in an interview on 570-KLAC.

The words of Palmer and Small echo the perceptions of thousands.

This game is about those perceptions.

It's more than a football clash, it's a culture clash.

My man Carson-effin'-Palmer. I already laid into him once over this and I'll happily do it again. Carson said what any self-respecting USC fan would say about Ohio State and their fans I'm guessing. He even invoked the always classy and quintessential "holier then thou" phraseology when he referred to all Ohio State fans as "those people". You see folks, Carson Palmer was spawned by the master race and Ohio State fans are all inferior to his genetic superiority.

The next day someone must have explained to Carson that the same group of people he'd just trashed make up a significant portion of the fans that help pay his outrageous salary. Oh, and by the way Carson, your boss's father coached at Ohio State too. Nice move.

At this point Carson again did what any USC alum would do. He back-pedaled and spun his comments and did absolutely everything except for own his words. What a fuckin' pussy.

Nice outing last Sunday too Carson. Ten completions on 25 attempts? A quarterback rating just above 35? That's positively Bellisari-esque. Ohio University's back-up QB Boo Jackson made you look like...Todd Boeckman last weekend. Congratulations, you're really starting to understand what it means to be a Cincinnati Bengal.

As far as Plaschke's comments about this game being a "culture clash"? Good-effing-grief. Actually Plaschke, it's a football game. It's not a commentary on how living in southern California is better then living in Ohio.

I suppose this has always been a part of sports but lately I have seen plenty of garbage about how Ohio sucks in general and living in the south is way better, living in L.A. is way better. It's this type of bloviation that has me openly rooting for natural disasters. I'm sitting around all day watching the Weather Channel yelling at the T.V., "Go Ike! Go! Turn right! TURN RIGHT!"

You know what Billy? You can have Los Angeles. Nice place to visit I guess. There seems to be a collective IQ of about 14 floating around out there. Smog? Wildfires? Earthquakes? That STD-dispenser Paris Hilton? MC Ren? Enjoy.

I know one guy that went to USC. He got carjacked while he was attending school. True story. I didn't even have to make that up.

Columbus might not have the rolling hills of Malibu or the endless Pacific Ocean. I can tell you definitively that Ohio State does one thing better then 99% of the schools in the country. Get shit-canned and get down.

Ask my academic advisor. Read my transcripts.

Still not convinced? Go stand at the corner of 15th and Indianola in Columbus. In less then five minutes, "the party" will confront you, punch you in the mouth, steal your wallet, hand you a lukewarm Natty Light, exhale a bong hit in your face, then point you to the nearest raging kegger.

Now look at your watch. It's 3:14 PM. It's Tuesday.

Case closed.

Back to Mr. Plaschke.

The Trojans will take this personally. Ohio State will see. Small will see.

We will see won't we Billy? Despite cries for mercy, the Buckeyes are still taking their act to Los Angeles. Can you believe it? They're actually going to take the field too!

Who knows what will happen? Maybe Ohio State will hang in there and lose a close one. Then we'll get to hear how USC played poorly against a bad team. Maybe Ohio State will win? Then we'll get to hear how USC is vastly overrated and Virginia is the worst team in America.

Or maybe Ohio State will get slammed. Historically these early season games against good teams from other BCS conferences are not the ones that USC loses. In most cases, they win them handily. Ask Nebraska. Ask Arkansas. I can assure you that regardless of the outcome, whatever happens will have virtually NOTHING to do with anything that anyone on either side of the field says before the game starts.

I'm guessing that the Buckeyes will do just fine. That shitty performance against Ohio University might have been just what the doctor ordered.

Of course, we'll still have to contend with Rey Maualuga A.K.A. "Apocalypto", the Trojans' standout linebacker. Rey will blast a rail off the equipment trunk, run onto the field, burst through the line of scrimmage and hit Todd Boeckman with a lead pipe. Then he'll stand over Boeckman and lift up his jersey to show off the tattoo of an aborted fetus he has on his abdomen.

I think the Buckeyes might have something for old Rey though.

Chris "Beanie" Wells will be ready to go on Saturday. When Chris hits Rey the collision will make CERN's new supercollider look like a baby rattle.

And Mark Sanchez? I can't wait to get after this guy. He's spent the last two weeks hearing about how great he was against Virginia.

I remember the last time Sanchez had a great game. It was against Notre Dame last year. You remember 2007 Notre Dame right? Three wins? Nine losses? Anyway, Sanchez followed that up by throwing several interceptions against Oregon the following week and losing the game.

Southern Cal appears to have an outstanding defense but the Buckeyes have a few guys that can bump and thump too. Cameron Heyward is going to hit Mark Sanchez so hard that his mother is going to wonder out loud why the family ever left Mexico.

Run Mark-o! Run fast! Muy rapido! Dios mio!

Ohio State just might show shitheads like Bill Plaschke and the rest of the nation that Buckeye football shouldn't be counted out just yet.

Go Bucks!