Goddamn, motherfucking Bengals

It is borderline insanity that I continue to give a shit about the Cincinnati Bengals at this point. How stupid can an entire fan base be?

Perhaps we shouldn't try to answer that one.

Here I am at home in Jersey City, NJ a safe distance from the insanity of Bengal football. Or so I thought.

Turns out the Bagels will be making not one, but two trips to the Meadowlands this season, and therefore falling right into my Sunday afternoon lap. Glorious.

Today was my first opportunity to watch the winless and awful Bengals. I was all ready to settle in with some Chipotle and see the Fighting Marvin Lewis's get pasted, hopefully with humorous results.

Wouldn't you know, the Bagels couldn't even do that right. Fuckin' assholes.

I should have known better.

It's games like these where you think the Bengals are going to get pounded. It's games like these where you figure you'll be able to flip to a far more entertaining sporting event before halftime. It's games like these where you think betting the farm on the favored Giants (even at a ridiculous 13.5 points) seems like a good idea. It's games like these that make you think if the Bengals could just get a break or two here or there that maybe they could make...[GULP]...the playoffs?

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

This is the grand travesty that is the Bengals. Just when you think there's no way they could suck you back into their emotional vortex, it happens. Just when you think you're watching a game strictly for comic relief, suddenly you're on the edge of your seat, screaming at the T.V. like an idiot when there's no one else home except for your pets and neighbors.

Even at halftime, with the Bengals clearly going toe-to-toe with the Giant Assbags, excuse me, defending Superbowl Champion Giant Assbags, I told myself the Bengals would lose by ten. Even when I talked to my father at the start of OT and he told me "I know how this ends" I didn't listen.

Motherfuckers.

How is it possible to watch this year, after year, after year and not realize that this is a lost cause? Eternally a lost cause.

Yep, you guessed it, the Bengals lost in OT. It wasn't as simple as that though.

With two minutes left to play in the game, the Bengals were actually winning, 20-16. The Bengals had taken the lead late in the game on a nice TD pass from Palmer to Whose-Your-Momma with less then five minutes to go. Of course, that wouldn't hold up.

After a modest kick return, Eli moved the Giants down to the Bengals' 30 in about two plays. The Bengals' defense is an absolute sieve.

As if there was any doubt, the Giants went in for a touchdown with about 90 seconds left in the game. You would think that would do it.

Losing the game at this point would have been far less painful then what actually transpired. I would have taken a nice moral victory and gone home.

The Bengals never make anything easy though. They make sure you have your heart far enough onto your sleeve that they can snatch it away and stomp on it with execution-like precision. ASSHOLES!

Instead of slipping quietly into the night, the Bengals rallied and drove all the way to the Giants' four yard line with four seconds left in regulation. With just a slight break here or there during the drive the Bagels could have lined up for an attempt at the win and still had time to kick the tying field goal.

Of course, earlier in the second half Palmer had failed to realize how much time was left on the play clock and was forced to burn a TO. Nice work. Because...you know...wasted TO's never come back to haunt you or anything. Fucking idiots.

So instead, the Bengals converted the field goal as time ran out and sent it to OT.

Who did you think was going to win the toss?

The Bengals?

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER ECHOING ALL AROUND YOU AS IF YOU WERE IN A DUNGEON EXCEPT YOU'RE NOT IN A DUNGEON, YOU'RE SITTING AT YOUR DESK IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER]

The Giants win the toss and miracle-of-miracles, the Bengals force a punt.

Long-story-short here, the winless Bengals lost in OT to the defending champs and did it in almost the most painful way possible. I should have known better but I didn't.

I hate the Bengals.

And yet I can't stop rooting for them.

There should be a clinical designation for this illness.

Perhaps to make myself feel better I should go to the Buckeyes' game next weekend and "boo" Todd Boeckman for no reason. That seems to work for others.

In summation:

- Levi Jones is the worst excuse for a left tackle selected in the 1st round in the history of football (other then Robert Gallery).

- The Bengals' secondary is a screen door.

- The Bengals can BARELY run the ball. They seem to pass about 66% of the time.

- I can't believe I'm taking the time to bitch about the Bengals. I hate them.

- Good teams would rally around the improvement that they made this week on offense. The Bengals will instead go in the tank for a few games waiting for their next moral victory. Asshole losers!!