Goodbye 2008

To quote the completely nude Matt Bucher that was standing in the open doorway of a first floor motel room on a snowy New Years Day ten years ago, “MEDDIE NEW YEAR!”


The rest of that story will have to be told another time unfortunately.

Goodbye 2008, hello 2009. Good-fucking-riddance I say. That was a rough one.

Onward and upward...

New Years Eve, or as I like to call it, Amateur Night, has got to be one of the most annoying events on the calendar. My general plan for the time being is that about once out of every five years I'll try to go all out. Maybe a nice vacation or something. The rest of the time? You'll find me avoiding the masses.

And speaking of masses, I am still trying to figure out what in God's name is remotely appealing about cramming yourself into Times Square to see the ball drop? Does ANYTHING about that look fun to you?

You have to get there hours ahead of time to get shoe-horned into a "good" spot. There is nowhere to go to the bathroom. Think about that for minute.

Do I need to explain to you where people end up relieving themselves?

Secondly, I'm not 100% clear on this, but I'm not even sure there's anywhere to get booze. When was the last time you saw someone knocking down the suds in Times Square on New Years Eve?

Perhaps given the aforementioned bathroom situation the lack of alcohol is better for everyone involved.

Here's another plus, it's freezing-ass-cold. I believe with the wind chill the temperature around midnight was roughly zero. Sure, with all those people packed in there the conditions are somewhere in the ballpark of 'slightly more tolerable then a prostate exam'. Then again, people are also pissing all over themselves.

They have all those great live musical acts though!

I'd say that's probably doing the term 'great' a disservice. Maybe I've gotten to be an old man rather quickly but I'd say the number of live acts worth seeing in those conditions is about the same as Plaxico Burress' IQ. That's right, two.

The first would be my personal fave, Pearl Jam. I'm not totally committed to seeing Eddie and the boys in those conditions though. I would need some set list assurances before I was all-in.

The only other live act I would show up for would have to be the Lord, Jesus Christ, descending from Heaven to do some of his favorite parlor tricks. Maybe a little water-into-wine. Heal a few lepers. You know, the usual.

Outside of that? You got me.

Plus, anyone else notice how often these network New Years Eve shows are "throwing it somewhere else" for a musical number? You get Elton John from Las Vegas or Sheryl Crow from London. Some of the musical groups were doing their thing right down the street at Rockefeller Center. I even saw some act the other night that was performing live in Dayton, OH.

Dayton?

Really?

Yeah, so when they're beaming in one of these remote numbers, you're basically just watching it on a big TV if you're unlucky enough to be standing in Times Square, correct? Aren't the rest of us at home watching it on TV too? And seeing the same thing? Except not freezing our ass off in a pool of human waste?

Sounds like a great time. Now imagine coming to this realization.

I'm in Times Square. I'm freezing. I'm sober. I just pissed myself. For the third time. And now I'm watching some shitty musical act in Dayton, OH. Man, the people in Dayton look warm. I wish I was in Dayton. Kill me now God, please.

Anyone else notice that about five minutes after midnight that Times Square had COMPLETELY cleared out? I wonder how long the line was for the nearest bathroom?

I have come to realize that the reason everyone in Times Square on New Years Eve is from somewhere other then New York City is because the New Yorkers have long since figured out how miserable it is to be there. Too bad they couldn't let all these other poor saps know what they were in for ahead of time.

Here's a tip. If you want to see the ball drop on Times Square, shell out and get yourself a hotel room overlooking that mess. You'll stay warm, you'll have access to plenty of booze and most importantly, you won't have to change your shorts immediately following the proceedings.

One other bonus of watching the Times Square festivities anywhere other then Times Square is you'll get to clearly hear every word America's favorite stroke victim Dick Clark has to say. [SHUDDER]

What the hell is up with that anyway? A friend recently described that scene as 'heart-wrenching'. And everyone knows, heart-wrenching and good times go hand-in-hand like peanut-butter and jelly.

Who is running ABC these days? What network executive is sitting at home on New Years Eve applauding Dick Clark as he struggles to count down from ten to zero? You're supposed to be selling merriment, not speech therapy.

Don't get me wrong, I am not disparaging Dick Clark in the least. Or any stroke victim. My own grandfather, God rest his soul, eventually succumbed to the effects of a stroke. You'll notice he wasn't on national TV trying to count backwards at any point.

There was a time when Dick Clark was an institution in this country, but that train has sailed. Trust me, anyone old enough to remember Dick Clark on American Bandstand hasn't stayed up until midnight for at least a decade.

Thank you ABC for turning what is supposed to be one of the biggest parties of the year into an uncomfortable trip to a retirement home. See you again next year!