What's the crawl?
It's kind of like wind. Sometimes you don't notice it, but it's always there. And it can be damned annoying at times.
In the vernacular of broadcast TV, "the crawl" is the scrolling text at the bottom of the screen that provides up-to-the-minute information. On CNBC the crawl features current stock prices. The Weather Channel might have current temps from around the country.
As usual, the 800 lb. sports gorilla, ESPN, has taken a relatively tame television concept and turned it into something so outrageous and annoying that it cries out to be ridiculed. The crawl is such a massive distraction that it is getting hard to watch live sports events on any of the ESPN channels. No one does overkill like the folks up in Bristol, CT.
The crawl on ESPN originated as a fairly inocuous yet meaningful aspect of the network. Current scores from various leagues were (and still are) scrolled at the bottom of the screen. The score of a sports contest takes about half-a-second for the human brain to digest.
...MLB: ATL 4, LAD 2, Top of the 3rd...
See? That's not so bad is it?
Apparently that isn't sufficient anymore. In addition to scores now we also get stats.
...NFL: PHI 17, SF 3, 3:16 4th Qtr...McNabb 13/22 178 yds, 2 TD's...Westbrook 11 carries for 119 yds...
All that is probably more then I really need to know. I mean think about it, if you missed the first 30 minutes of a game and walk into a room where it is on, what's the first thing you ask?
"What's up fellas!? Hey, the team that's winning, how many yards does the starting running back have?"
No, that's probably not how it goes down.
"What's the score?" That's all you generally want to know.
I would say the evolution of ESPN's crawl really came into its own in the midst of last summer's epic Brett Favre saga. Unfortunately I will never be able to forget the ten mins. I spent watching the following:
"BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season...BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre announces he intends to play this season."
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! I GET IT!! BRETT FAVRE WANTS TO PLAY!!
Do the the suits at ESPN think that someone is going to see some snippet of major Brett Favre news, then walk out of the room and completely forget what they just saw? Do they run this horsehit across the screen on a loop in hopes that all of these feeble-minded viewers will wander back to the TV and be reminded two minutes later?
At this point the crawl on ESPN has gotten completely out of control. While watching bowl games on New Years Day I was subjected to all manner of various BS scrolling across the bottom of the screen, most of which pertained to the Jets and you-know-who, Capt. INT, Brett Favre.
It's not scores or stats anymore, it's out-in-out gossip. I have never seen more meaningless drivel concentrated in one place in my entire life.
...Jet RB Thomas Jones tells NYC radio station Hot 97 that Brett Favre throws too many picks...
...Anonymous Jets player tells Newsday that Brett Favre doesn't like to eat out with teammates...
...Manny Ramirez considers haircut...
...Ohio State RB Chris Wells has made no decision regarding NFL Draft...
...Ohio State RB Chris Wells has made no decision regarding lunch...
...Jet RB Thomas Jones tells ESPN, "Yeah, you know, what I just said about Brett, you know, I was just vibing, you know?"...
I'd say that pretty well sums it up.
Oh, and by the way, Hot 97? Are you fucking kidding me? That's one of the major hip-hop radio stations in New York City. It's not an ESPN affiliate. It's not a sports station.
If I want to hear where P. Diddy's latest release party is going to be, I listen to Hot 97. If I want to know why T.I.'s crew got shot up in Cincinnati, I listen to Hot 97. If I want to stay current with east coast-west coast beefs, I listen to Hot 97. If I want pertinent information regarding the Jets, I go elsewhere.
It's one thing to quote the Associated Press. Their entire purpose is to provide credible news to the masses. It's another thing to quote an interview that was conducted on some hip-hop music radio station and broadcast it across national airwaves as if it is remotely relevant.
I'll give another example that hits closer to home. I'm watching ESPN roughly a week ago and all of a sudden I see the following:
...Ohio State may use Terrelle Pryor and Todd Boeckman at the same time on some plays in the Fiesta Bowl Columbus Dispatch reports...
OK, so let me get this straight. A possible offensive wrinkle in a bowl game that has no bearing on anything is news that needs to be shared with the entire country immediately? Who outside of Texas or Ohio gives a rats' ass how many QB's Ohio State might put on the field at once in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl? This is pretty much the essence of the crawl on ESPN these days.
[SIDEBAR] - Aren't the practices supposed to be closed? Don't these coaches go through some considerable hoops to make sure other teams don't know what they're up to? Don't you think that a Boeckman-Pryor backfield might be slightly more effective (if at all) when the other team has no inkling this is a possibility? How come every time an OSU player sneezes I have to see it reported by ESPN and everyone else? Last year it was widely reported that OSU players were given some motivational DVD before the title game. This year it's Pryor/Boeckman BS. Not that any of this ultimately matters at all, but for once it would be nice to find this stuff out during the game, not weeks before.
Sometimes it seems like the crawl is even contradicting itself. Another sample:
...Boston Herald reports Cleveland Browns decision regarding Asst. GM Scott Pioli must come by end of day today...
...Bill Cowher interested in Cleveland Browns head coach position...
...Bill Cowher does not want to coach during 2009 season...
...Cleveland Plain Dealer refutes Boston Herald report that Pioli decision must come by sunset...
...Bill Cowher interested in Jets head coaching position...
...Bill Cowher not interested in Jets head coaching position...
...Bill Cowher not interested in football in general stating, "I'm just going through the motions for CBS"...
...Bill Cowher, "I'm interested in football, just not pro or college football"...
You get the idea.
The relative importance of of the garbage ESPN throws up on the crawl is comical. Fourteen-year-old girls think the ESPN crawl gossips too much. It seems like maybe ESPN should just hook some RSS feeds up to the crawl from professional athletes' Facebook pages. That way, every single time one of these idiots comments on something we can immediately see it on our TV screen.
I'm going to go ahead and say we've got about a year before Facebook TV is a reality.
I think I'm going to cry.
I'm crying right now.
Really, I am.
OK, I'm done.
I used to disparage my significant other for watching celebrity "news" on any number of shows produced by the E! network. Now I know better. In fact, I'm actually starting to wonder if watching E! isn't a better use of your time.
Let's compare, shall we? On ESPN we get sweaty ogres that barely got through college constantly saying and doing dumb things. On E! we get attractive actors and actresses that barely got through college constantly saying and doing dumb things.
Hmmm...toss up.
Here's my other question for ESPN regarding the crawl. If every single minor piece of insignificant bullshit is immediately going to be pushed across my screen, what in the fuck do I need Sportscenter for? Why does ESPNews still exist? Why do I need espn.com available 24 hours a day?
While attempting to watch a bowl game, I get all manner of shallow, Brett Favre "news". So after the game I'm supposed to sit through Sportscenter and watch while they rehash the exact same shit I've been watching for three hours?
There are many sports fans out there that say, "I only watch ESPN for live sporting events." I couldn't agree more, although I do confess a soft spot for Pardon the Interruption.
Sadly, ESPN is doing everything that it can to shoe-horn all of its other bullshit into live sporting events too. It's getting damn near impossible to watch a football game because I'm constantly reading about Brett Favre or the Yankees or the Cowboys or whoever. It's as if actual sporting events are now secondary to ESPN.
Anyone catch those ridiculous "Interactive Tuesday" productions? I'm supposed to watch a football game I'm not overly interested in while you scroll the randomly-selected comments of some teenager in Boise, ID across the screen in the middle of plays? Are you fucking kidding me? I'd rather punch myself in the junk and call it a night.
Thank you ESPN for the crawl. Quite an inovation. That's real progress. You colossal assholes.
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