The Return to Madison Square Garden

It’s time for my second Madison Square Garden event of the week. For a full review of event #1 (Pearl Jam), click here!

Tonight’s festivities certainly will be far less entertaining but far less expensive. Well, less expensive for me anyway. The Chicago Bulls are about to shell out about $35 mill guaranteed to a kid that may or may not be worth half that sum. More on Derek Rose later though.

Obviously we’re talking about the NBA Draft, 2008 edition. Despite my previous diatribe about how I’m “over” the NFL Draft, there is still something very compelling about a pro sports franchise trying to make a good move while trying just as hard to not look like total fucking idiots. It’s a fine line.

Oh, and it should be noted that I am totally and completely ripping this concept off of espn.com’s Bill Simmons. He’s written 12 of these things now. Incidentally, you can read Simmons' latest Draft Diary here. That’s enough disclaimer.

The impact of the draft is actually far greater in the NBA then it is in any other league. Most teams will select two players tonight, which equates to roughly 17% of their entire roster. Plus, pro basketball is a game that can be dominated by one great player. They come around rarely so you don’t want to be the guy that passed on LeBron or MJ or Shawn Bradley.

Actually scratch that, you definitely want to pass on Shawn Bradley.

The other bonus for me is there’s no Cincinnati team picking in this draft which means there is no impending doom. How ‘bout those Bengals folks? Quite an organization eh?

Between the bad suits, the horrific interviews and the gross hyperbole, the NBA Draft can be high comedy. Enough BS. On to the draft.



DISASTER STRIKES!

Right out of the gate, I’ve missed the first three picks. I guess this mother really did start at 7:30. Oops.

Whatever, we’ll pick it up from here.

Derek Rose out of Memphis first to the Bulls. There’s something I don’t like about this guy. He seems a tad immature to me. I’m sure instantly becoming a multi-millionaire will fix that right up. It sure seemed to work for Kwame Brown. I really wanted to see whether or not Rose could put together two sentences during his interview. Damn you space-time continuum!

Michael Beasley of Kansas State goes second. Not surprisingly all the “heat” out of Miami the last two days was just that, hot air. If they would have passed on this guy I think they would have lived to regret it. Shawn Marion, Dwayne Wade and Beasley could make a formidable trio.

The very dapper OJ Mayo out of Southern Cal goes third to the T’Wolves. I think he’s a good basketball player, I just think he’s a handful. I saw OJ at the Reebok ABCD Camp in Teaneck, NJ in April of 2005. He seemed like an asshole then, and was more interested in getting face time with Jay-Z then anything else. I’m sure three more years of having his ass kissed and being given hand-outs has really improved his perspective. Have fun big-timing it in Minneapolis, Minnesota OJ.

The fourth pick is Russell Westbrook out of UCLA, who’s heading to the Supersonics. No one even knows where this team is going to play next year. Just buy an RV Russell. And speaking of Russell Westbrook, I have never, ever heard of this guy in my life. Glad to know my extensive knowledge of college basketball extends all the way through the first three picks of the draft. I wonder how many of the talking heads had Westbrook getting selected before his teammate, Kevin Love?

Here’s the ESPN Fun Fact for Russell Westbrook: “Could not dunk until senior year of high school.” What a burden. I’m 32 and the only thing I can dunk are donuts.

Memphis has the fifth pick and takes the nephew of Beach Boys front man, Mike Love. That would be of course Kevin Love, who I’m sure will be a legend at UCLA after a whole one season and little to show for it. That’s quite a legacy.

Kevin Love’s great talent is he can chest pass a ball from one end of the floor through the hoop on the other end. How many times a game are you standing behind your own bench and need to get the ball near the rim? I’d be more impressed if he could take one of those T-Shirt cannons and pepper the ushers on the upper deck with any degree of accuracy.

“Pick and pop” is Jay Bilas’ new catch phrase this year for the draft. I guess he got tired of everyone making fun of him for referring to guys’ “length” all the time.

“So-and-so is “long.”
OR
“He’s not “long” enough.”

“Pick and pop” is apparently where a guy sets a pick, then comes off the pick to get open and shoot. Correct me if I’m wrong here, isn’t that exactly what “pick and roll” means? And isn’t what Jay is referring to as “long” the same thing as saying a guy is lanky? Why does Jay Bilas feel compelled to constantly change the vernacular?

Time for the big one, the dreadful New York Knicks are up next with the sixth pick.

Predictably, the crowd at the Garden boos the kid from Italy. How clichéd is this? Ninety percent of the people in the audience haven’t the slightest idea who Danilo Gallinari is or if he’s any good. They would have booed the Lord, Jesus Christ if the Knicks had drafted him. Fortunately we were spared that incident when JC decided to stay at Jerusalem Tech for another year to work on his game.

As for Gallinari, there’s a 63% chance he’ll stink. Unfortunately Darko Milicic has kind of ruined it for the lanky white kids coming to the NBA from parts unknown.

Whoa! Awesome interview with Danilo! Are we 100% sure that isn’t a stretched out Ivan Drago?
The sorry-ass Clippers take Eric Gordon out of Indiana University with the seventh pick. Eric Gordon has the most prominent creases I’ve ever seen on anyone’s forehead. That’s what I’ll always remember about the great Eric Gordon, forehead creases.

Bad suit on Eric Gordon. White jacket? Black pants? Is he a shooting guard or a maitre d’?

Now they’re interviewing Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Here are the questions they need to ask this guy.

“Donnie, how on earth can you keep Isiah Thomas on the payroll after what he’s done to this franchise? Would you call what he does fraud or out-in-out stealing from the Knicks organization?”

The Milwaukee Bucks take Joe Alexander out of West Virginia with the eighth pick. This kid looked good in the tourney. Say what you want about Bob Huggins, the guy puts dudes in the league. Of course, some of them are in the penal league but that’s beside the point.

This gives me a chance to talk about my favorite Bob Huggins Bearcat of all time, Art Long. Getting arrested at UC as a basketball player is ho-hum. Getting arrested for punching a police horse is a cut above.

Jay Bilas is looking a little foolish at the moment as he had Stanford’s Brook Lopez third overall talent-wise.

The no-account Charlotte Bobcats take tiny DJ Augustin out of Texas with the ninth pick. The only question of consequence surrounding the Bobcats is, “How’s your golf game these days MJ?”

Now they’re showing Brook Lopez filling out his registration form to enroll in the Brady Quinn Draft Disaster Therapy Group. Hang in there big guy!

Holy shit is Stephen A. Smith annoying. Is he worse then Stuart Scott? That is a very tough call. I think they should both be relegated to the Falkland Islands where they can yell incoherently at each other without all the bright lights.

The New Jersey Nets save Brook Lopez from his own personal, nationally-televised hell by picking him 10th overall. Welcome to the Garden State Brook. It smells like shit around here.

Looks like Brady Quinn and Aaron Rodgers will just have to continue talking amongst themselves.

Wow. Brook Lopez’ brother, Robin Lopez will DEFINITELY be cast as Sideshow Bob in the live-action ‘Simpsons’ movie.

Stephen A. Smith is screaming at Brook Lopez. Surprising. Stu Scott just stated that Brook verbaled to Stanford in the 2nd grade? C’mon dude.

Jerryd Bayless to the Pacers at 11 out of Arizona. He is wearing the same suit that Morgan Freeman wore in Bruce Almighty.

“The only guard to score a hole in one when he was ten years old” according to Disco Stu. That would be relevant if this were the PGA Draft Stuart. I’m sure a nice back-swing will come in real handy on the hardwood.

Jason Thompson out of Rider University to the Sacramento Kings at 12. Never heard of this guy. Are you kidding me? A lottery pick out of Rider? Yikes.

Next up Portland. The ‘Blazers won the pre-draft lottery last year landing the first pick as a total long shot while the league worst Celtics got hosed. How’d that turn out?

The Trailblazers take Brandon Rush out of Kansas. Pretty good player I think. A lanky shooter that’s 6’6”. If I’m not mistaken this is the third time he has declared for the draft. He tried to come out of high school, then tried to come out last year before injuring himself. Now he’s in the NBA and has a national title to boot. Plus he’s going to play with Oden, and others. I think things turned out just fine for Brandon.

Golden State takes Anthony Randolph out of LSU 14. HOLY SHIT DID I READ THAT CORRECT? He’s 6’10”, 197 POUNDS! He’s a foot taller then me and outweighs me by two pounds.

That’ll do it for the lottery picks.

Here’s the buffoon Dick Vitale to analyze the lottery. While screaming.

Dicky loves Kevin Love.

Dicky loves Dalinari.

Dicky loves his glass eye.

The Suns take Sideshow Bob at 15. That’s a major cash infusion for the Lopez clan. Good move by their father bailing on the family.

Nice looking hat on Robin Lopez!

We’re now entering Kosta Koufos territory!

Stu to Van Gundy: How’s he going to play away from his brother?

Van Gundy: I don’t know the answer to that Stuart, but I do know this, the Suns just got a great defender.

I think Van Gunday just channeled ‘Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer’.

Marreese Speights out of Florida to the 76ers at 16. He’s 6’10”, 250 lbs. So that makes him more then 50 pounds heavier then Anthony Randolph who is also 6’10”, and who was taken two picks ahead of Marreese. I’m pretty sure Mr. Speights ain’t all that great. He couldn’t get it done against a very mediocre Ohio State team in December.

With the 17th pick, the Raptors take Roy Hibbert out of Georgetown. I will remember Roy Hibbert for the epic showdown that never materialized between he and Greg Oden. Of course, we’ll always have this.

[ODEN DUNK OVER JEFF GREEN]

Darrell Arthur out of Kansas is working that gum like he’s waiting on a verdict. He’s the last guy in the “green room”. The great thing about the green room for the NBA Draft? You’re just sitting there in front of everyone in the place looking like a jackass. That sounds fun. Wipe your tears with cash Darrell. It’ll make the pain go away.

The Wizards take JaVale McGee out of Nevada at 18. Never heard of him. He’s 7’ tall with a 7’6” wingspan. So if he’s riding on a plane and it’s going down, all he needs to do is stick his arms out the window and everything will be fine. He’s the first WNBA-NBA legacy. That’s special.

The ‘Blazers send Brandon Rush and Jarrett Jack to the Pacers for Ike Diogu and Jerryd Bayless. Everything I said about things turning out OK for Brandon Rush? Yeah, that didn’t last long. The Pacers are awful.

Andy Katz: Brandon, you’re being moved from one place you know nothing about to another place and organization you know nothing about. What’s your reaction?

Brandon Rush: Uhh…[STARES OFF INTO SPACE].

The Cavs are on the clock! This might be the last time I give a crap the rest of the night.

Could be either Darrell Arthur or Kosta Koufos here. Could also be Beanie Wells for all I know.

Darrell is approaching two hours since the draft started. Ouch.

Cavs take…JJ Hickson out of NC State. What can I say about JJ? Just about…nothing. What was his name again?

Hmmm…

Why would you go to the draft if you weren’t GUARANTEED to go in the Top Ten? Then again, I’ve seen Euros come out of the crowd to come on stage late in the second round at the NBA Draft. I’ll give Darrell, this much, he’s not running for cover the way Brady Quinn did. Although he does appear to be filling out a registration form of some sort.

And Denver has just traded away their only pick for 2008. I believe Stu just said that’s two years in a row. Are they too busy snowboarding to deal with the draft?

Charlotte takes Alexis Ajinca out of France with the 20th pick. And on queue, we get a Euro coming out of the crowd after he is selected!!!! So now Darrell Arthur has to suffer the indignity of getting bypassed for a spectator. Ouch.

This guy is 7’0” with a 7’8” wingspan? Is he a basketball player or a condor?

Speaking of Europe, here’s a quick preview in a special blue font of the Euro Cup Soccer Final which will be Sunday. Two titans, Spain and Germany will square off.

- The game will start, there will be lots of running and passing.

- No points will be scored in regulation.

- No points will be scored in OT.

- Penalty kicks will determine the winner.

This has been your official Level 6 Euro Cup Final preview.

Nets now on the clock again. Will they bail out Darrell Arthur?

Jay Bilas just questioned his own assessment of not-yet-drafted DeAndre Jordan, “I’ve probably got him too high.” I think that’s a first.

And the Nets take Ryan Anderson out of Cal at 21.

Stu Scott repeats an earlier observation, “People keep saying the PAC-10 isn’t a basketball conference, but we’ve seen a lot of PAC-10 players come off the board already.” Isn’t UCLA the most successful college basketball school ever? Isn’t Arizona damn good? Who is Stu talking to that is claiming the PAC-10 can’t ball? I get the impression he overheard that in the men’s room before the telecast.

As they go to commercial, Stu again speaking about Darrell Arthur, “Will he go to Orlando? Does he have what it takes?” Does he have what it takes to what? Sit there for a few more minutes? Holy shit is Stuart Scott annoying.

At 22, Orlando takes Courtney Lee out of Western Kentucky.

Jay Bilas had Darrell Arthur at nine. That means someone definitely told Darrell he could sneak into the top six. He’s still sitting there with the 23rd pick coming up. He’s been sitting there for more then two hours. Brutal.

Utah takes Kosta Koufos at 23! Nice spot for Kosta. Jerry Sloan is the longest tenured coach in the league for a reason. They’re not flashy but they win a lot of games. Isn’t 23 exactly where Daquan Cook went last year when everyone said he was nuts for coming out after one year?

Stu Scott going on about how many freshman we’ve had picked. D’uh Stu, this is only the second year of the “one year in college rule” you fucking dolt. Shocking that we’re getting tons of freshman picked in the draft these days.

The Sonics take Serge Ibaka out of Congo at 24. That’s another guy coming out of the stands after he’s picked. Things aren’t really improving for Darrell Arthur are they? He’s gone from Top Ten NBA Draft pick to potentially falling out of the first round. Second round contracts aren’t even guaranteed.

According to the ESPN graphics department, Serge Ibaka, MUST IMPROVE: Experience

What does that mean? Travel the world? Join a book club? Bang a lot of chicks?

With the 25th pick the Rockets take Nicolas Batum out of France. ANOTHER guy coming out of the stands. That’s three that have passed Darrell Arthur on their way from the spectator section through the “green room” to the stage.

Stu just said Darrell’s mother quit her job as a truck driver to follow her son’s collegiate basketball career. I have no response to that.

Ric Bucher and his hair just said Darrell has some kidney problem that he wouldn’t get tested for which is why he’s plummeting. Is he going to be the first guy ever to come to the “green room” and not get drafted?

Kansas coach Bill Self has apparently called ESPN’s Andy Katz to let him know that, “As far as Kansas is concerned he’s completely healthy.” Sure Bill. Thanks for weighing in. Now just go back to staring at your national championship trophy and dumping bourbon on your head.

At 26, the Spurs take George Hill from IUPUI.

At 27, the Hornets take Darrell Arthur!!! All right!! Why do I care? I guess…I don’t. The dude was dying 1,000 deaths on national TV. It made me uncomfortable.

Darrell is apparently headed to Portland anyway. Good deal for him. Sweet relief!

At 28, the Grizzlies take Donte Green out of Syracuse. Another freshman. Here’s a classic case of why the ‘one and done rule’ is ludicrous. This guy made a whopping 41% of his shots. If teams are willing to take a flyer on guys with no production whatsoever in the first round, what’s the point? They need to either go to the college baseball model or let them come out of high school to the pro's.

Ric Bucher and his hair clarify that the kidney issue with Darrell Arthur came from GM’s, not the league’s physical. So basically what you’re telling us Ric is that you and your hair bought hook, line and sinker a bunch of pre-draft BS generally designed to scare other teams away from a guy?

At 29, the Pistons select DJ White from Indiana. Good player. Guy dominated the Big Ten, and he’s a hoss. I think DJ will hang around the league for 10 years, barring injury. Of course, I’m unemployed and writing 4,000 words about a draft and a league I barely care about on a weeknight. Make your own judgment.

Four seniors taken in the first round so far. Don’t we tell kids to “Stay in school”?

Mercifully we’ve arrived at the Celtics’ pick, the last pick of the first round.

Raise your hand if you’re sick of Boston? Red Sox? Patriots? Now the Celtics? Go ahead, even if you’re alone at home reading this in a dark room, just raise your hand and nod approvingly.

Here’s the difference between the Nuggets and the Celtics. The Nuggets didn’t like the time constraints of the draft, it was cutting into happy hour. The Celtics on the other hand have realized that when that little draft clock off to the side of the screen runs out, nothing happens. There is no buzzer, no mushroom cloud, nothing. Seriously, the clock hit zero on their pick at least three minutes ago and no one seems close to making this selection.

The Celtics finally take JR Giddens out of New Mexico with the last pick of the first round.

Three hours to get through the first round. I bet it felt like 30 for Darrell Arthur.

Dicky V. is explaining the lunacy of the ‘one and done rule’. I already made this point Dicky. Let’s move on, shall we?

Barring something really, really interesting happening, that’ll do it for the 2008 NBA Draft here from the home office. Of course, there’s always the off chance that Andrew Stein (who’s at MSG right now) will run out of the stands and throw something heavy at NBA Commissioner David Stern.

And as soon as I say that the ‘Blazers take Memphis’ Joey Dorsey with the 33rd pick. Joey Dorsey will go down in Ohio State lore for calling out Greg Oden and then coming up beyond small in their NCAA tourney game two years ago. There’s a reason Joey Dorsey was selected in the 2nd round and Greg Oden went #1 overall.

Did I mention Dorsey came out of the bleachers after he was selected? Seriously, he was in the stands with the Euros.

And as soon as I write that Kansas’ Mario Chalmers comes out of the stands as he is selected 34th by Minnesota.

Maybe instead of the green room, the NBA could rent out that shit-hole Irish bar across the street from the Garden to corral these guys in? How much better would that be? They stand around for hours (it’s now been over three and a half) getting bombed on flat Bud Light drafts waiting to be picked. When they hear their name they’ll have to hastily make their way across 8th Avenue to MSG with a strong buzz while avoiding cab drivers that have zero regard for human life. Now THAT would be entertaining.

THREE IN A ROW!!

DeAndre Jordon comes out of the bleachers and out of Texas A&M is selected 35th by the Clippers. Bilas had this guy 18. So again, I’m guessing he thought he had a chance at the bottom end of the lottery.

Bilas also just said that he shoots 41% from the free throw line. There are literally sixth graders that shoot better then that from the charity stripe. That's just AWFUL.

Good thing this guy came out after his freshman year. Now he’s the 35th pick in the draft with no guarantees of anything. For those of you scoring at home, the 18th pick in the draft will be guaranteed about $3 million, the 35th won’t be guaranteed bus fare.

The nation of Turkey is on the board as Omar Asik goes to the Blazers at 36.

Luc Richard Mbah A Moute at 37th to the Bucks. Quite the rarity, a junior being drafted out of UCLA. Good luck fitting 'Richard Mbah A Moute' on the back of that jersey.

ESPN’s graphic indicates that Luc MUST IMPROVE: Excess nomenclature

Sonny Weems goes to the Bulls at 39. Sonny Weems folks. Sonny Weems.

Memphis’ CDR is off the board at 40, to the Nets.

Sacramento takes Patrick Ewing Jr. at 43. Very mediocre ball player. No way he gets drafted without the last name. Not that I dislike Patrick Ewing or his son.

Now Stu is interviewing Pacers’ GM Larry Bird. Wow, dynamic guy Larry Legend. I think Larry might be on Quaaludes tonight. Is that drool?

Bill Walker was taken 47th overall by Washington. I saw Bill player better then Greg Oden, Mike Conley, OJ Mayo, Marreese Speights, and others at ABCD in Teaneck three years ago. He has had some knee issues but there’s a reason they call him Bill “Sky” Walker.

Welcome to the NBA Darrell Arthur. You waited three hours to get drafted. Now you’ve been traded to Portland for a monetary sum TBD after they see if you blow or not. You are property now.

As a matter of fact, Kansas is getting pushed around quite a bit tonight. We have Darrell Arthur waiting forever, Brandon Rush gets moved from Portland to Indy and now Mario Chalmers is traded to Miami.

And here’s the final kick in the balls for those three. Their teammate, Borat, excuse me Sasha Kaun, is selected by the Sonics at 56. That’s not the stunner though. According to Jay Bilas, he’ll make more money overseas then any of the other Kansas players will in the States this season.

Brady Quinn’s Draft Disaster Therapy Group is going to need three more chairs.