Proclaim to the world "I'm a moron" in three easy steps

1. Go to USAToday.com.


2. Find a sports-related article (usually one having to do with college football).


3. Post an asinine comment.




Free speech is alive and well. That's unfortunate.

For some reason mainstream media outlets including newspaper websites and sports sites like espn.com and cbsportsline.com have decided that giving readers an open forum for reaction and dialogue is a good thing. I say, it's one of the worst things to happen to the internet, ever.

Don't worry, I'll be registering a complaint with Al Gore this week.

Allowing anyone and everyone to anonymously post whatever drivel crosses their mind on a site with the breadth and reach of say, espn.com, is like handing a can of spray paint to a kid as he is released from juvenile detention and asking him not to put graffiti on the first wall he passes. There is no need to empower the weak-minded.

I notice also that primarily these comments are of the negative variety. An unfortunate circumstance present in our society is that people are far more likely to take action to respond negatively to something then they are to pay it a compliment.

College football in particular lends itself to ongoing discussion year round. Two reasons for this, first off, hardcore college football fans are nuts. NUTS. Right now there's some Ohio State fan out there having a heated discussion with another Ohio State fan about Bill Kurelic's 2009 Recruiting Forecast over on Bucknuts.com. NUTS.

In addition to the thousands of college football fans that have lost their minds, there's also the ambiguous nature that the sports conducts itself in. Without getting into the whole playoffs debate, all you need to know is that college football is the only major sport that uses inherently flawed polls to crown its champion. Oh, and most of the 120 or so FBS (the league formerly known as Div. I-AA) don't even play each other.

All that combined together means that there's generally more yelling at screaming about college football then any other mainstream sport in America. Naturally, this plays itself out where college football fans congregate (the internet) and have a voice (comments).

Unfortunately I am drawn to these comments like a moth to a flame, like a rabid football fan to the NFL Draft, like an educated adult to ABC's new mindless game show, 'Wipe Out'. I know it's all meaningless and a waste of my time but I can't help myself. There is some small degree of entertainment value too since this is one of the only places I find myself checking in on the lowest common denominator of social discourse.

The general rule of thumb is that by the time you get to the third comment you're usually reading something ridiculous, baseless, political or all three. I have no idea who these people are. They troll the internet looking for opportunities to badmouth everything under the sun. They seem to have all the time in the world. They are free to preach their bloviation in a forum that allows you to lob unsubstantiated claims without fear of retribution. Well, unless you consider other unsupported facts and arguments from men and women of equal and lesser status retribution.

Anyway, that's enough high-minded theory though. You get the point. People are idiots. Ground-breaking, I know.

I came across a perfect example of this today. There is a story on USAToday.com's website about Bobby Petrino, Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban entitled, "SEC coaches happier on campus then NFL grind" or something along those lines. You can read the whole article here.

The story was nothing special by the way, exactly what you'd expect.

I instinctively wandered down toward the comments and came across these gems:

First one out of the gate by someone calling themself "Tiger stadium" (with a picture of the Detroit Tiger's stadium next to the moniker):

- SATAN SURE LOOKS LIKE A PUPPET WEARIN THAT TUSKALOSER HAT LOOKING LIKE DUMBO

I assume he's talking about Nick Saban because I didn't see any mention of Lucifer or Beelzebub in the article. Isn't caps lock great by the way?

The second was from "b10forever":

- And with the SEC, one less concern for these coaches is the academics.

Zing! Funny!

The third from "bcskinner1":

- Saban and Petrino are bums. Be a grownup and honor your commitments. They way they left their pro teams was classless.

And here's the punchline to this endless diatribe from "rcoz58":

- Sounds like sour grapes to me from a bunch of loser yankee football teams. You know the SEC has the best teams every year. Play somebody you panty waist (Miami, afraid of a real conference) losers. You're probably Democrats as well.

Isn't that special? "Yankee football teams" and "the SEC has the best teams every year". And of course, "Democrats". Apparently Democrat equals stupid. Sorry, no one sent me the memo.

And what's that reference to Miami? Does "The South" end somewhere north of Dade County?

Nice effort there gang. Aren't we all better off for having shared our thoughts? No. The answer is no.

Of course, the best comment I ever saw under one of these articles was courtesy the Altanta Journal Constitution's website. As you'll probably remember the good people of Georgia made a stink last year after LSU won the national title. It was the typical "WE DEMAND A PLAYOFF OR WE'RE SECEDING!" garbage you get out of every school that thinks they got screwed by the BCS.

One of the responses to this outcry was by some credentialed official somewhere who stated simply that there would be no playoff because they didn't want players missing classes in the second semester too. First comment out of the gate, from someone who likely calls themself "The Mouth of the South":

- NO ONE CARES ABOUT EDUCATION

No one in Georgia anyway.