Bill Plaschke...certified Shithead

I'll be honest, I wasn't going to get too riled up over the OSU-USC game. The Buckeyes lackluster performance against the Bobcats, the Trojans utter dominance in their first contest, and the last two title games have tempered enthusiasm considerably.

Then I read the musings of the L.A. Times' Bill Plaschke. Some of you may be familiar with this clown that regularly appears on ESPN's afternoon abomination "Around the Horn." You're doing something really, really wrong Plaschke if you're routinely upstaged by professional assbags Jay Marriotti and Woody Paige.

Plaschke got ahold of Ray Small's somewhat derogatory comments regarding USC and has surmised the following:

- Ray Small speaks for the entire team, the coaching staff and all of Buckeye Nation

- The Trojans will be really fired up for this game because of Ray Small's comments

What a complete and utter load of shit Billy. Are you fucking kidding me? Southern Cal needs bulletin board material to get fired-up for a nationally televised night game against Ohio State? A game that has been anticipated on a national scale for almost a year?

If that's the case then USC has much bigger problems then people think.

Bulletin board material is vastly overrated by the way. I have never once seen a newspaper run onto a field and make an open-field tackle. I've never seen a scrap of paper tacked to a wall intercept a pass.

However, Ray's comments were idiotic. You would think after seeing his team get pasted the last two years at the end of the season he would know better then to badmouth anyone, anywhere, anytime.

You're coming off a game that saw Ohio State losing to Ohio University in the fourth quarter you colossal moron. Now you're going to say something negative about the team that has won more games then anyone this decade? Wise. Wise indeed.

Ray Small, the next Ted Ginn Jr? He looks more like the next Chad Cacchio to me.

That all being said, Ray's comments don't give Bill-Fucking-Plaschke license to rip Ohio State. Stupid bald bastard. If I ever see this guy I'm going to give him a noogie until there's grey matter seeping out of his scalp.

Wait a minute though Matt? You're bald aren't you?

You know it. I've got a head like a fuckin' bowling ball. The difference is I don't look and sound like I just beamed down from the planet Jackass.

Let's get into it shall we? Plaschke opens it up with some of Ray's comments and then appears to suffer a stroke, all the while still typing away.

It's "a class thing. Here at Ohio State, they teach you to be a better man. There, it's just all about football."

A better man, perhaps, unless you are Ohio inmate Maurice Clarett.

Don't get me started.

No Bill, don't get ME started you fuckin' homer.

The "Maurice Clarett" dig is lazy, lame and irrelevant. If you're going to go there how about I call a few character witnesses to the stand on USC's behalf?

First up, Reginald Bush. Nice house your parents are staying in there Reggie. What'd they pay for it? You're kidding? Nothing? That sounds like a pretty good price to me.

Next to testify, Matt Leinart. A shithead QB with a bastard child and a warm seat on the bench backing up 47-year-old Kurt Warner. Don't worry Matty, keep this up and you'll be back home with your beer bong and your fat harlots in no time.

Shall I go on?

O.J. Mayo?

O.J. SIMPSON!!??

That's right Plaschke, I'll see your "Clarett" and raise you an "OJ". Double-murder always trumps drunken idiot.

That was just the start though. It gets better.

I'm still furious at the Buckeyes for ruining the last two national championship games by failing to show up in either.

I'm sick of annually watching them awkwardly slog their way to the top of the polls by winning a conference that has become college football's version of the International League.

And, yeah, at the end of that 2002 national championship game against Miami? Bad call. That was not pass interference. Period.

Wow. I'm still trying to understand this line of thinking, because it seems fairly prevalent. Apparently, Ohio State is the only team in the history of organized sports to get beaten badly in big games.

That 2004 title game between USC and Oklahoma? WAY more entertaining. Final score, 55-19. I guess Bill Plaschke is still waiting for Jim Tressel to come to his house and apologize for ruining his evening. Bob Stoops must have already paid him a visit.

I'm also wondering, in what way did Ohio State "awkwardly slog" their way to the top of the polls two years ago? The Buckeyes were number one for the ENTIRE regular season and went undefeated while beating two #2 teams. There wasn't a single person on the planet that felt OSU didn't deserve to play for it all during the 2006 season.

And did you see that folks? Bill Plaschke said it was not pass interference on Miami. I guess that's settled. Are you also going to complain about how Japan snuck up on us with that whole Pearl Harbor deal? Or about how the air quality is much worse these days since horses have been replaced by automobiles?

Why even bring that up? What possible relevance does that game or that call hold here? Are you now going to suggest that in fact Ohio State has never, ever won a football game? It's all smoke and mirrors?

Give me a fuckin' break.

By the way Billy, that OSU-Miami game? Never should have gone to OT. Gamble caught the pass for a first down that should have ended it but the catch was so ridiculously athletic that the refs couldn't comprehend how he came down with it. He did. That's another discussion for another time though.

I suppose Southern Cal on the other hand has NEVER been involved with a questionable call. Oh wait. Ever heard of the "Bush Push"?

More from Plaschke...

In varying forms, I've been hearing Small's comments since Tressel and Carroll were both hired eight years ago.

It's as if Ohio State folks believe they invented the game, while USC has only exploited it.

Ohio State plays football, USC entertains with it. Ohio State teaches football, USC taunts with it.

Blah, blah, blah.

Who in the hell is this guy talking to? Who other then LSU fans are badmouthing Southern Cal lately? Show me the Ohio State fan that thinks Tressel-ball is the only way to play the game. This guy needs to quit sniffing so much glue.

Ohio State has one of the largest followings of any team on the planet. So yeah, there are plenty of obnoxious idiots running around wearing scarlet and gray. However, I think you would find that the VAST majority of them are reasonable and respectful of what Southern Cal has accomplished.

And what have they accomplished exactly? Let's see.

If I'm not mistaken USC has won more games since the 2000 season then any other team in the country. They put players in the pro's in droves. Three of the last six Heisman trophies awarded have gone to USC players.

Yet for all their talent and wins, they are sitting on the same number of national titles as Ohio State in the BCS era, one.

Don't give me that AP national title horseshit either. That doesn't count and everyone knows it. Here's how you can tell. Ask any USC fan if they'd rather play in the BCS national title game or be awarded an AP national title. They know in their heart of hearts that BCS titles are legit and AP titles aren't.

At least when Ohio State loses, it's to really good teams. The Buckeyes have lost to three ranked teams over the last two seasons. Southern Cal lost to unranked Stanford. I'm still trying to figure out how Pete Carroll didn't get filleted for that one. The Trojans were favored by more then 40 points and playing at home. FORTY!

More Plaschke...

This condescending attitude is so prevalent in Ohio that this summer, even former Trojan Carson Palmer, who works in Cincinnati and never criticizes anybody, couldn't help himself.

"I cannot stand the Buckeyes," he said in an interview on 570-KLAC.

The words of Palmer and Small echo the perceptions of thousands.

This game is about those perceptions.

It's more than a football clash, it's a culture clash.

My man Carson-effin'-Palmer. I already laid into him once over this and I'll happily do it again. Carson said what any self-respecting USC fan would say about Ohio State and their fans I'm guessing. He even invoked the always classy and quintessential "holier then thou" phraseology when he referred to all Ohio State fans as "those people". You see folks, Carson Palmer was spawned by the master race and Ohio State fans are all inferior to his genetic superiority.

The next day someone must have explained to Carson that the same group of people he'd just trashed make up a significant portion of the fans that help pay his outrageous salary. Oh, and by the way Carson, your boss's father coached at Ohio State too. Nice move.

At this point Carson again did what any USC alum would do. He back-pedaled and spun his comments and did absolutely everything except for own his words. What a fuckin' pussy.

Nice outing last Sunday too Carson. Ten completions on 25 attempts? A quarterback rating just above 35? That's positively Bellisari-esque. Ohio University's back-up QB Boo Jackson made you look like...Todd Boeckman last weekend. Congratulations, you're really starting to understand what it means to be a Cincinnati Bengal.

As far as Plaschke's comments about this game being a "culture clash"? Good-effing-grief. Actually Plaschke, it's a football game. It's not a commentary on how living in southern California is better then living in Ohio.

I suppose this has always been a part of sports but lately I have seen plenty of garbage about how Ohio sucks in general and living in the south is way better, living in L.A. is way better. It's this type of bloviation that has me openly rooting for natural disasters. I'm sitting around all day watching the Weather Channel yelling at the T.V., "Go Ike! Go! Turn right! TURN RIGHT!"

You know what Billy? You can have Los Angeles. Nice place to visit I guess. There seems to be a collective IQ of about 14 floating around out there. Smog? Wildfires? Earthquakes? That STD-dispenser Paris Hilton? MC Ren? Enjoy.

I know one guy that went to USC. He got carjacked while he was attending school. True story. I didn't even have to make that up.

Columbus might not have the rolling hills of Malibu or the endless Pacific Ocean. I can tell you definitively that Ohio State does one thing better then 99% of the schools in the country. Get shit-canned and get down.

Ask my academic advisor. Read my transcripts.

Still not convinced? Go stand at the corner of 15th and Indianola in Columbus. In less then five minutes, "the party" will confront you, punch you in the mouth, steal your wallet, hand you a lukewarm Natty Light, exhale a bong hit in your face, then point you to the nearest raging kegger.

Now look at your watch. It's 3:14 PM. It's Tuesday.

Case closed.

Back to Mr. Plaschke.

The Trojans will take this personally. Ohio State will see. Small will see.

We will see won't we Billy? Despite cries for mercy, the Buckeyes are still taking their act to Los Angeles. Can you believe it? They're actually going to take the field too!

Who knows what will happen? Maybe Ohio State will hang in there and lose a close one. Then we'll get to hear how USC played poorly against a bad team. Maybe Ohio State will win? Then we'll get to hear how USC is vastly overrated and Virginia is the worst team in America.

Or maybe Ohio State will get slammed. Historically these early season games against good teams from other BCS conferences are not the ones that USC loses. In most cases, they win them handily. Ask Nebraska. Ask Arkansas. I can assure you that regardless of the outcome, whatever happens will have virtually NOTHING to do with anything that anyone on either side of the field says before the game starts.

I'm guessing that the Buckeyes will do just fine. That shitty performance against Ohio University might have been just what the doctor ordered.

Of course, we'll still have to contend with Rey Maualuga A.K.A. "Apocalypto", the Trojans' standout linebacker. Rey will blast a rail off the equipment trunk, run onto the field, burst through the line of scrimmage and hit Todd Boeckman with a lead pipe. Then he'll stand over Boeckman and lift up his jersey to show off the tattoo of an aborted fetus he has on his abdomen.

I think the Buckeyes might have something for old Rey though.

Chris "Beanie" Wells will be ready to go on Saturday. When Chris hits Rey the collision will make CERN's new supercollider look like a baby rattle.

And Mark Sanchez? I can't wait to get after this guy. He's spent the last two weeks hearing about how great he was against Virginia.

I remember the last time Sanchez had a great game. It was against Notre Dame last year. You remember 2007 Notre Dame right? Three wins? Nine losses? Anyway, Sanchez followed that up by throwing several interceptions against Oregon the following week and losing the game.

Southern Cal appears to have an outstanding defense but the Buckeyes have a few guys that can bump and thump too. Cameron Heyward is going to hit Mark Sanchez so hard that his mother is going to wonder out loud why the family ever left Mexico.

Run Mark-o! Run fast! Muy rapido! Dios mio!

Ohio State just might show shitheads like Bill Plaschke and the rest of the nation that Buckeye football shouldn't be counted out just yet.

Go Bucks!

A little love for my other alma mater...

Despite being 1-2, my Princeton High School Vikings did something neither the Buckeyes or the Bengals could do this week, win in impressive fashion. They dropped Glen Este 35-7 or something along those lines.

I'm sure no one really cares about that though for the most part.

However, from the Cincinnati Enquirer...

Princeton junior QB Spencer Ware, one of the area's top offensive football stars, has received college offers from Ohio State, Duke, Cincinnati and Tennessee, according to Ware and Princeton coach Bill Leach.

Ware is 5-11 and 212 pounds, and most big schools are recruiting him as an athlete/RB since he lacks the height of most major college QBs. But, Leach said UC has told Ware he would get a chance at QB.

In three games this season, Ware has thrown for 654 yards and six TDs (3 int.). He has rushed for 131 yards and three TDs. Princeton is 1-2 with losses to Moeller and Centerville and a win over Glen Este.

As a junior last year, Ware threw for 2,200 yards and 17 TDs (6 int.) and rushed for 982 yards and 18 TDs. That was in 11 games, as Princeton made the D-I playoffs and finished 8-3.

George W. Bush will be issuing a statement later today.

Was that Tom Brady that went down yesterday? Or was it Jesu Cristo?

Look at this shit from SI.com:

"I tried to make a play, and Tom went down,'' he said. "I knew something was wrong. He was in pain, screaming. The running back [Morris] was asking for a personal foul, but it definitely wasn't one, and the ref didn't give it to him. It was most definitely a clean play. It was an accident. It's tough. It's football. I'm sorry it happened, obviously. I can't do anything but apologize to him. I went to Herm [Chiefs coach Herman Edwards] after the play and told him how sorry I was.''

Added Pollard: "I'll pray for [Brady].''

There are some idiots out there suggesting it was a dirty hit. Boo-fucking-hoo. Tom Brady still has the ball when he gets hit. Isn't that what you do in football? Hit the guy with the ball?

The other thing that's ridiculous is how quickly they're heaping dirt on Brady's grave. NO ONE ON THIS PLANET WILL KNOW THE EXTENT OF THE INJURY UNTIL TODAY. And yet how many people were saying that Brady was out for the season?

Anyone else notice that the Patriots still won the game with Matt Cassell running the show?

BENGALS!! Feel it!

Speaking of 'waking the echos'. The Bengals through it back to a by-gone era today in their season debut.

The sorry, no-account Bagels managed only three offensive points against an old, tired Ravens team that utilized a rookie QB in his first NFL game ever to shred the defense. Well done.

The perfect season is intact. They can still reach the elusive 0-16 mark. The Dolphins tried in earnest to get their last year but screwed up and beat the Ravens late in the season with their' goal only weeks away.

How people can pay for season tickets, PSL's, parking, hot dogs, etc. at a Bengals game is beyond me at this point. I'd rather bash myself in the crotch with a pick-axe for four hours as opposed to enduring that futility.

At least we knew ahead of time that the Bengals would stink. The Cleveland Clowns on the other hand, enter the season with those dangerous expectations. They're on prime time more then any other team and started the season by getting totally pantsed by the Cowboys at home.

Here come the "PUT IN BRADY" cries.

The instant Brady Quinn enters a game while Derek Anderson is still healthy signifies the unofficial end to the Browns' season. There is no way in hell that Brady Quinn is leading the Clowns to the playoffs. Rookie QB's (which is what BQ is at this point) don't do that, ever.

OK, so Ben Fatberger did but I don't think Cleveland's running game is anywhere near as strong as Pittsburgh's was when they won it all.

Fortunately I was spared the dreaded 'trifecta'. My other alma mater, Princeton High School ROLLED Glen Este this weekend. The trifecta is any weekend in the fall that sees the Princeton Vikings, OSU Buckeyes and Cincinnati Bengals drop a game.

On top of the Buckeyes miserable performance and the Browns/Bengals immense lameness (no that I was necessarily rooting for the Browns), the Bearcats also managed to get roughed up out in Norman, OK yesterday. The Sooners dropped 52 on them and starting QB Dustin Grutza broke his leg.

The Ben Mauk "defense fund" just got an injection of cash. We'll see if the 37th try is the charm in his quest for another year of eligibility.

Waking the echos...

Notre Dame looked great!

And by great, I mean still shitty.

Quite a performance by Clausen, Weis and the rest of the fun bunch. There are few things that are legal that I find more entertaining then reading the ridiculous bullshit that is offered up by Notre Dame fans these days.

All the discussion from ND Nation pretty much falls into two categories at the moment. You have the Weis supporters, who somehow were able to explain away a 3-9 season that saw Notre Dame produce a football team that was literally one of the worst in the nation. They were ranked 119 out of 119 Div. 1-A offenses last year and set the NCAA record for most sacks allowed. Strong!

These assholes were somehow able to blame Ty Willingham for a 3-9 season three years after he'd been canned. That's like saying the Carter administration is responsible for the current lousy state of the economy.

On the other hand, you're also getting plenty of ND fans that have seen enough of Weis' horrendous coaching. Yet again, Weis demonstrates that he doesn't understand the value of a win over "going-for-it" to prove a point. To who he's proving these points, I'm not sure. The Irish passed up a short field goal against San Diego State that would have essentially sealed the game and instead went for it on fourth and...about four if I remember correctly.

Let's be clear about one thing here, San Diego State is not a good team at all. They lost to some California high school last week and had lost roughly eight defensive linemen coming into the game at South Bend.

Yet there were the Aztecs leading the game going into the fourth quarter, about to go up 20-7 before the SDSU RB pulled a 'Mike Hart' and fumbled inside the one yard line.

The "bring Skip Holtz to Notre Dame" campaign has already begun. Lou's son is busy turning ECU into a nationally relevant team out of thin air. I have absolutely no doubts that if the Pirates and the Irish were to square off right now that Holtz would easily best Weis' miserable excuse for a big-time football team.

A really mediocre Michigan team is going to beat Notre Dame next week. The expectations that accompanied Notre Dame into the current season are going to be the impetus behind the removal of Charlie Weis. They failed to improve at all last season and more of the same is going to turn even the most bone-headed Irish supporters against Mr. Front Butt.

Random BS...

- Thank Touchdown Jesus for Notre Dame. That salvaged the day in my opinion. Ohio State's performance against Ohio University was pathetic(that's an understatement). I know it was painful for you, now imagine watching it while sitting next to an OU alum...that you're engaged to. Good times.

- The Bobcats taking a lead into the fourth quarter in the 'Shoe has to rank right up there with other notable Ohio University athletic accomplishments. The only other one that comes to mind is head coach Frank Solich getting arrested for DUI while passed out in a car that was aimed the wrong way down a one-way street. Nice! Athens was always a good time.

- Spread for the OSU-USC game is rising by the minute. It was about twelve by the time Ohio State kicked off against Miami six years ago after rising as high as 14. I wouldn't be surprised if this one settles in right at the double-digit mark (that's 10 for those of you scoring at home).

- Buckeyes dropped to five in the latest polls. They're lucky to be there. I'd rank East Carolina ahead of Ohio State right now.

- Lots of people bitching about the penalty at the end of the Washington-BYU game. You know what? It was the right call. Yeah it's disappointing to see a game swing like that on what was clearly an uncessary infraction. Locker should have known better. Put the ball down...hand it to the official. It's right there in the rule book.

Plus, that penalty DID NOT cost Washington the game. It cost Washington the chance to kick a "regular" extra point and send the game into OT. Washington could have lost the game in OT. Washington could have missed the try from the normal distance. The Cougars appeared to have 37 guys in on the eventual block. They could have done the same from the two yard line.

And finally, good teams convert 30 yard FG's. In the waning years of the Cooper era the Buckeyes would get flagged regularly for celebration penalties, taunting, etc. They never had trouble converting the extra point.

Get your head out of your ass Locker.

Ray Small: Genius

It's always the WR's isn't it?

David Boston...Terry Glenn...Terrell Owens...Chad Whatever-the-fuck-his name is. Now Ray Small.

Maybe when Ray got his bell rung last season against Minnesota there was permanent damage. He landed himself in the doghouse during the offseason to the point that he's listed with the walk-ons in the media guide.

As far as that debacle yesterday is concerned, he's the only player on the whole team that distinguished himself. Everyone else pretty much to a man stunk up the joint.

So what does he do? He follows it up by badmouthing USC. Well done Ray.

From the LA Times:

Ohio State's lackluster performance Saturday against Ohio will no doubt make the topics list when USC reconvenes for a team meeting tonight.

And the starting point, among players anyway, could very well be Buckeyes wide receiver Ray Small.

Small caught five passes and returned a punt for a touchdown, but it was his post-game comments that are sure to incite the Trojans.

Small, a junior from Cleveland, told ESPN.com's Adam Rittenberg that he visited Ohio State and USC when he was being recruited out of high school.

"As I took my visit to USC, I'm like, 'How are they successful? They're not even serious about the game,' " Small said. "Before the game, they're all going crazy. Me and [Buckeyes defensive end] Rob Rose was on the visit and I'm looking like, 'Wow.' And then the coach said, 'You better get out of here. It's 'bout to get hectic.'

"And then I come [to Ohio State] on the visit and before the game, it's all quiet, everybody getting taped, coaches talking. It's the total opposite."

Citing comments made by former USC quarterback Carson Palmer about the Buckeyes and their fans, Small described the difference between the programs as, "a class thing."

"Here at Ohio State, they teach you to be a better man," Small said. "There, it's just all about football."

Genius.

Although I will say, that if USC needed some stupid comments from a stupid, mediocre WR to get fired up for this game, they've got bigger problems then the Buckeyes.

At the end of the day Ray, it's about wins and losses. That's why you play the games.

Still seeking respect?

It's been six years, and yet there are still plenty of shitheads willing to bring up a perceived "phantom call" that pro-longed the national title game against Miami in January of 2003.

Perhaps it's more important that I get over it...as opposed to everyone else.

I suppose there are plenty that still can't believe the mighty, mighty Hurricanes could lose to slow, steady Ohio State. Guess what? It happened.

Amazingly, it happened again not much later when the "greatest team of all time", Southern Cal, lost to Texas. I guess lightening actually can strike twice.

Check out Sporting News' Matt Hayes get intellecually lazy...

2. Didn't you used to be ... ?

A case study in how fast things can go south (and how important the right coach has become): Miami (Fla.) began this decade with more talent, more want-to, more get-after-it than any team in the nation.

If it weren't for a screwy BCS system and a trigger-happy back judge, the Hurricanes could've begun this decade with three consecutive national titles. Somehow, despite the fact that it beat Florida State and both had the same record, Miami missed out on the 2000 national championship after the BCS computer spit out the 'Noles -- who promptly couldn't score a point to save their very lives against Oklahoma.

So the Canes came back in 2001 and rolled Nebraska for the national title, and then cruised through 2002 only to be hosed by a late call from a back judge in the national title game against Ohio State.

And now where is Miami?

Five years later, the Canes lost to Virginia by 48 points in the last game at the old Orange Bowl. And now, here we are with a game against bitter rival Florida, the team that for years refused to schedule the Canes because, well, life is tough in the Ess. EEE. See.

A valid argument can be made that the phantom pass interference call against Ohio State -- come on, Buck fans, you know it was a horrible call -- was the beginning of the end for the Miami program. The Canes have lost 21 games in five years since the Fiasco Bowl, after losing twice in the three years before.

What does this all mean for the Florida game? A hint: it gets worse before it gets better.

Hey, I'm 32!

While watching the Navy - Ball State game, I just heard the announcers...announce...that Ball State has a 32-year-old starting defensive lineman.

I just checked with the NCAA. I do indeed have four years of eligibility left.

More later, I'm going to the gym.

UCF asks fans to help control the pet population...

I actually read this on the Orlando Sentinel's website just now:

UCF officials are reminding fans to leave their pets at home on game day. Fans are not allowed to bring dogs to tailgate parties on campus, no matter how tame the pets are or how much they enjoy a nice cookout. Service aid dogs are the only animals allowed on campus.

In the past, I was told UCF has had to deal with goats, pigs, rabbits, cats and dogs on game days. Seriously, goats and pigs. The school only had to deal with traditional pets during the Knights' season opening game against South Carolina State last week.

UCF officials said they are concerned about fans' safety and will not be lenient with the pet policy this weekend or for the remainder of the football season. If fans bring pets on campus, they will be asked to leave and take the animals home.

Wow.

This is why we love (HATE) Miami football

Never mind that you went 5-7 last year. Never mind that you haven't won a game of consequence since...2002. Never mind you're facing one of the juggernauts of our time, the Florida Gators and Tim Tebow. Run your mouth anyway.

It really worked well for Florida State leading up to their 45-12 loss to the Gators last season.

And yet, here's the direct quotes from the Miami Herald...

You see that 'U' on your helmet and you feel stronger.

So you rise up and talk back. Emboldened by Miami's six-game series winning streak, you hark back to the days when the capital of football in this state was Coral Gables.

''We want to show them the University of Miami still rules the state of Florida,'' said center Xavier Shannon, the coach's son. ``We wanted the game at 8 o'clock. Let all the other games get out the way, and everybody else can see us play. I believe it's zero and six lately for Florida. We want to keep it that way. We plan on winning this game.''

Shannon calls Javarris James and Graig Cooper the best running back tandem in the country and said, ``That's what they have to worry about. We feel [our offensive line] can dominate anyone in the country, and that's what we plan on doing.''

Safety Anthony Reddick called the three-touchdown point spread ''insulting'' and said of Florida's offensive speed, ``Are they going to be able to match up with our defense?''

No wonder it's so easy to root against these clowns. No wonder they rag Ohio State every chance they get. Why? Because the Hurricanes haven't won SHIT since we took their two-touchdown spread and shoved it up their ass in Tempe, AZ five years ago.

Keep bitching about "phantom pass interference calls" while you're losing more games then you're winning. We'll keep winning our conference and just about everyone else we face. You keep chasing some bullshit division title in the ACC.

There are few instances when I'd root for Florida. And frankly, Miami beating Florida would be entertaining. However, seeing loudmouth ne'er-do-wells get a healthy serving of "shut the fuck up" would be just as good, I think.

VANDY COULD WIN THE BIG TEN!

Yep. They're just...fantastic!

South Carolina could win...the Arena League...maybe.

The end of college football as we know it?

I have suspected and projected for some time now that if the SECer's get what they want, they'll effectively ruin college football as we know it.

What do they want?

For starters, an eight-team playoff.

Of course, they're not the only ones that want a large format playoff but their reasons are much different then others.

Some think that a playoff is the only way to fairly assess a champion. I would tell those people that tournaments are great, but they render the regular season for the most part meaningless. I mean, regular season NCAA basketball is riveting now isn't it?

The SECer's will tell you that it's just not fair that more SEC teams don't get a shot at the title every year. They're clearly the best conference (according to them), and they're just not satisfied with national titles. It's not good enough to have one SEC team playing for it all, they want two.

And guess what? If you had a four-team playoff? They'd want all four teams to be SEC schools! Naturally. That's how God or Bear Bryant intended it apparently.

As I've said before, one of the things that SEC fans don't realize is that they NEED the rest of the teams around the country to confirm that they are indeed the best in the land. They feel just beating up on each other is enough evidence. Guess what folks!? It's not.

And let me step back and explain one other factoid that bears mentioning. The SEC either doesn't care what the rest of the country thinks about inter-conference SEC battles, or grossly-overestimates their ability to care about those games.

I mentioned earlier that Vanderbilt is a bottom-feeder SEC school that hasn't been to a bowl in 25 years and yet some think they would be competing for conference titles in other conferences. That's...probably not true.

The Worldwide Leader flashed a graphic tonight showing all the longest bowl droughts in the country, by team. Again, Vandy hasn't been to a bowl in 25 YEARS. For those of you that have trouble with math (like me), that goes back almost to the Carter administration.

And yet, Mr. SMU, Craig James felt the need to point out that no one else on the list "had to face the SEC." That's true Craig, except for the fact that the dominance of the SEC only dates back about five years, NOT BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF TIME!

That's what some people don't seem to realize. While the SEC is clearly a force these days, it's not like they have ruled college football since its inception in the late 1800's.

The first college football game ever was played in New Jersey, not Tuscaloosa. Our southern brethren were too busy fending off carpetbaggers in the late 1800's to worry about "foosball." Oh, but I'm sure when Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground he spared Georgia Tech's football facilities.

Anyway, this tirade was spurned by the wise words of Pete Fiutak from collegefootballnews.com. Judge the impending effect for yourself:

The challenge flag needs to be thrown on ESPN’s 15-year, $2.25 billion deal with the SEC. It’s one thing for a league to have its own network, like the Big Ten has, but it’s another to have one of the major media outlets be so intertwined both financially and logistically with one single college football conference. ESPN is it. This is the big bad boy on the block, and now that it has become ESPNSEC, all other leagues will be fighting a tough uphill battle to compete.

ESPN is an entertainment company, not a news service. It’s going to be all SEC football, all the time with shows, promos, and everything the big menace can do to milk every last dime out of this relationship. You can guarantee that the first three college football news items are always going to be SEC related, tied in to a slew of promos for other SEC shows, while the recruiting advantage will become even more unbalanced than most already think it is.

And then there’s the money factor. $2.25 billion, when the trickle down effect occurs, means the SEC teams will have better facilities, better coaches, and better overall programs than anyone else can possibly come up with. In other words, if you’re a Big East or ACC team with national title dreams, take care of business now.

OSU vs. YSU (43-0)

Color me NOT IMPRESSED.

Through the magic of the Big Ten Network I just took in the Youngstown State game for the first time last night. Thanks Comcast!

By the way, the channel guide clearly indicated ‘Ohio State vs. Youngstown State’ and yet when I booted up the plasma last Saturday I was presented instead with the epic battle between Coastal Carolina and Penn State. Thanks Comcast!

Not only that, but for some effin’ reason they replayed every single game the Big Ten Network had carried on Sunday, EXCEPT of course for OSU vs. YSU. Genius. Way to keep making friends BTN.

Oh, and their cameramen can’t seem to follow any play with even the slightest bit of misdirection. Terrelle Pryor looks left then runs right and suddenly all you’re seeing is Alex Boone scratching his crotch while TP races down the field.

The only positive thing I’ll say about watching the BTN replay is that they condense the game down to two hours with minimal commercials. So essentially what I’m saying is that everything about the Big Ten Network totally sucks, except for the guy doing their video editing, he’s money.

Anyway, here are my observations regarding the glorified scrimmage against the mighty FCS / D1-AA Youngstown State Penguins.

Todd Boeckman looks about as crisp as an envelope that’s been sitting in water for three days. So he’s in midseason form. His passes have all the velocity of a cable car meandering down the field as if they’re taking in the scenery.

Plus, this fucking guy’s been in the program for ten years now and still can’t throw a deep ball!? He’s still chucking up jump balls to Robiskie and Hartline. Hey Todd! There is no alley-oop in football!

And speaking of Heckle and Jeckle, what’s the deal with Robo and Hartline? They always seem to have a defender on top of them. I pondered this briefly and have come to the conclusion that this phenomenon is actually a combination of two circumstances.

First off, no one should be shocked to learn that neither Robiskie or Hartline possess the blazing speed that Gonzalez and Ginn had. They’re simply a step slower.

Perhaps more importantly, Boeckman’s slow read and release is a major factor. Side-by-side in your head Troy Smith unloading a laser downfield as compared to Boeckman’s passes. Todd might as well be participating in a water balloon toss the way he throws the ball.

Keep in mind, this is against the fucking Penguins' DB’s, not say, the Hokies.

Todd Boeckman has roughly a decade of collegiate coaching under his belt and still looks like he’s playing his second game ever. Conversely, T-to-the-motherfuckin’-P comes into his first game as a college football player and shows some moves.

I would play Terrelle Pryor for HALF of the offensive snaps against Ohio University this weekend. I’m telling you right now, we’re going to be utilizing a full-blown two QB system by the end of the season, because Pryor may be just that good.

Also on the offensive side of the ball:

- How do Youngstown State defensive linemen blow by Ohio State offensive linemen? Wasn’t this the same act we saw against LSU?

- Beanie Wells is made of glass. Fortunately it appears he’ll be a go for USC. I wouldn’t even THINK about playing him a down against the Bobcats this weekend. It’s just not worth it.

- Holy shit! We passed the ball to a tight end! Who knew we even had tight ends!?

As for the defense, they certainly did their job. At first I was concerned that the defensive line was not getting enough pressure but then I realized that YSU was almost never dropping back and trying to pass. The stats speak for themselves though, YSU was held to 74 yards of total offense. Only one team (Oklahoma), held the opposition to fewer years in Week One.

Aside from that, there’s not much to say about the defense except, WHY IN THE HELL CAN’T OUR DEFENSIVE BACKS CATCH BALLS THAT HIT THEM IN THE FUCKIN’ HANDS!? I’m tired of that shit already.

Now, you may think I’m being awfully harsh on Ohio State particularly when you consider that they held the opponent to less then 100 yards of offense and won 43-0. And you know what, I am. However, I saw most of the USC-UVA game though and I keep comparing that performance to Ohio State’s.

What it boils down to is I’m tired of seeing my Buckeyes get pantsed on national television by the elite teams in the country. Guess what? It’s possible, possible, that the Southern Cal team we’re going to play in a week is better then the Florida team we played two years ago and better then the LSU team we played last year. Possible.

Having great stats against the Big Ten is wonderful. That makes Ohio State the equivalent of Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles, King of the Dickheads.

If you didn’t see USC take on Virginia, well, I'm sure you've heard by now, they were quite impressive. The Buckeyes dropped 43 on Youngstown State. The Trojans popped Virginia for 52! Oh, and they did so on the road, 3,000 miles from home, against a full-blown BCS school that went to a bowl last year.

Stalled drives aren’t going to cut it against the Trojans. I saw way too much Ryan Pretorious last weekend. Maybe we should just challenge them to a field goal kicking contest instead of a full-blown football game? How about a chess match at midfield between Jim Bauserman and Mark Sanchez?

It should be pointed out that Ohio State certainly didn't play their starters all game last Saturday. Clearly USC did. Except for the RB position of course. They had four different 'backs take it in for a score.

We'll see what the Buckeyes have to say against the Bobcats this weekend.

Some Thursday night tidbits

- Daunte Culpepper is hanging it up at the tender age of 31. If you think that's young talk to Quinn Pitcock.

Kind of amazing when you consider the stats he put up only four years ago. Had it not been for Peyton Manning having an absolute all-timer of a season the pride of Central Florida probably would have been MVP of the league.

In his retirement e-mail, he blamed everyone except for himself for his inability to find another gig. According to ESPN he turned down the chance to be a backup at both Green Bay and Pittsburgh this season. Boy that's a shame, I wonder how many QB's out there would be willing to take one more shot riding the bench somewhere?

You'll notice that even with the miserable QB situation the Raiders had last season that Culpepper was only able to start five games. You'll also notice that new Vikings head coach Brad Childress took about ten minutes to get rid of Culpepper.

On the one hand, the guy could have been one of the greats and his body clearly failed him. I've said it 100 times before and I'll say it 100 times more, the NFL is a brutal, brutal business and you can go from hero to zero in a nanosecond.

On the other hand, when you're a reasonably-talented, 31-year-old NFL QB that can't get a job, the giant red flag that is being projected onto every Jumbotron across the country is "ASSHOLE-ASSHOLE-ASSHOLE." Just a guess here, but I think Barry Bonds and Daunte Culpepper might have a lot in common. Very talented athletes that just aren't worth the trouble.

At least Culpepper had the wherewithal to walk out the door with his head up instead of waiting around aimlessly for the next few years. Then again, would anyone at all be surprised if he came out of retirement two weeks from now?

- Vanderbilt vs. South Carolina tonight. An entertaining game thus far. Of course, if Vandy can somehow beat Spurrier's 'Cocks, it's just more proof of how talented the SEC is. Illinois beats Ohio State and is proof of how shitty the Big Ten is. I'm still waiting for someone to explain that to me.

Vanderbilt had a nice win at Miami (OH) last weekend. That caused some asshole to say on national TV, "If Vanderbilt played in the ACC they'd be quite competitive." That may or may not be true. None of it changes the fact that Vandy hasn't been to a bowl game in 25 years if I'm not mistaken.

That's right, in the face of overwhelming evidence I can still badmouth the SEC. Hey, if Charlie Weis supporters can do it, so can I.

- Beanie will not go this weekend. That's the right move, regardless of his condition.

- HUGE game for the UC Bearcats this weekend at Oklahoma. A very tall order for Coach Kelly's 'Cats.

My personal feeling is that UC doesn't even need to win this game, they just need to keep it close going into the fourth quarter. Moral victories against the likes of an Oklahoma are valuable when you're building a program. If UC can hang with the Sooners, imagine what they could do to the rest of the Big East.

- Florida State will go with QB Christian Ponder to start this weekend against whatever high school they're playing. Gotta be somewhat of a jolt for Drew Weatherford coming off of what was probably his best season statistically.

Unfortunately Drew, that was also the second consecutive 7-6 season for the Seminoles. Florida State is not a program that's accustomed to such mediocre accomplishments.

In this case it's hard to disagree with Jimbo Fisher's decision. We've seen plenty of DW, and he's a known quantity. Some new blood is probably called for at this point. I'm guessing Weatherford will get snaps at some point this season though.